Category Archives: Pets

Friday night at the dog lounge

Pets, , ,

That’s kind of what it feels like around here. Jax is back for his weekly visit and it seems like he’s grown a lot in the two weeks since we last saw him. It’s awfully quiet at the moment after several rounds of “Gremlins Karaoke”. It’s at that point where when listening to all of the vocalizations they are making towards each other, what kind of animal it’s coming from?

He’s cute and he knows it.

In the meantime, in other canine developments, we have been working with a drag line for Pallino. On our previous trip to the dog park, he ran free for six hours until he was finally so exhausted, we were able to catch him. Since then, the drag line. He wears it in the park and it allows us to get within 5 meters of him which is then usually not so close that he panics and gives us the room to slowly bring him in to put on his real leash. It works like a charm as he doesn’t feel threatened by how close you are getting to him. We’re able to take him to the dog park now almost every day so he can run, play and swim with other dogs. Which then makes him much more relaxed about walking through the city and seeing all those scary people walking around.

He’s even gotten to the point that he will now accept treats outdoors. It’s taken us nearly 10 months to get this far with him and now suddenly his development is going fast. That’s only something to be happy about.

Oh no, it’s time for another round of “Gremlin Karaoke”. I am not sure my ears are recovered from the last one. Let alone the fact that it’s almost midnight. Luckily the neighbors on one side have moved out.

Sunday I am off to Barcelona. I’m going to take some time and revisit some of the places Mom and I went to almost 20 years ago. Unfortunately, I won’t be staying at the same hotel as that has now been refurbished and converted to a 5 star hotel. It’s a little out of my budget range. 😉 I’m only there for 2 days so I’ll have to make every moment count. I hope it will restart my learning Spanish efforts.

Should I stay or should I go?

Pets

It’s been a long time between posts. I’ve thought about closing down my blog. With the increase in how much of our lives are digitalized, it’s my inner rebellion then says “Choose analog whenever possible.” Then the renewal notice comes around and I renew anyway.

It’s a Friday night and summer. This means that the terraces in front of our house are full of people enjoying food, drinks and weather doesn’t require an umbrella. Lots of groups tonight, I think people have milestones to celebrate. Earlier today there was a wedding marathon in the historic city hall to celebrate the 750th anniversary of the city.

For me, I am dogsitting. Every Friday, Jax the chihuahua puppy comes to stay while his owner works the 2PM-2AM shift. He’s learning fast. Since last week he has become increasingly more vocal, which is not necessarily a win. He alternates between a chuffing sound like a Gremlin and a high pitched attempt at a bark depending on which message he is trying to send. I am glad to do it as it means that I can enjoy all the benefits of a very cute puppy and then send him home with his owner at the end of the night.

I still think about and talk to Henry and George daily along with my Mom. In January, after fostering puppies for a rescue, we kept the one who didn’t get adopted, Pallino. We were not planning to. However, after his brother was adopted, he went completely back to stage zero and we realized that for him to start over with yet another family was probably worse for him than staying with us, even if we live in a city. The stressors that he experiences from life here could be offset by the time and patience we were willing to give him. It’s paid off. We still have work to do but compared to when he first came and now, he’s on his way to having a really good life.

Here’s the first picture we received of them. It was taken on the day they arrived at the rescue after being seen by a vet. They had been picked up off the street along with their sister. It’s interesting because when I first saw these pictures, I thought Pallino would be the first one to be adopted and we would have more work to do with Lupetto but it was exactly the other way around.

After the summer, we will foster again. Due to the heat and the transit time, the fall and winter are usually when the dogs come north. By that time, we should be ready for another set of puppies. Speaking of, it’s amazingly quiet now as everyone has finally fallen asleep after so many hours of squeaky toy Olympics. The key now is to pick the right time to wake them up for the last walk of the evening.

Much of the grounding I need comes from having animals in my life. The simple, repetitive requirements they have become anchors for me, not only in hard times. Maybe that is what some people get from meditation. I haven’t managed to get there yet. I supposed that’s okay though as it is a practice and it’s expected that you have to work at it.

Muffled

Big Feelings, Pets

That’s how I feel today. Everything feels far away and like it is too much effort to even try. I am not used to feeling like this.

It’s George’s birthday today. The first one without him. What I realized early this morning when I couldn’t sleep was that this year all of our birthdays, our first birthdays without each other, were on Saturdays. That struck me as unfair. If Saturdays are the ultimate day to have your birthday on, why in the year that it would be so for all of us, would we not be able to celebrate them together??

I know, of course, that dogs can tell time but don’t care about days of the week. They don’t care when their birthday actually takes place, they just care about being around the people that that they loved. The hamburgers and presents for them to unwrap were just a bonus. The singing of “Happy Birthday” offtune probably damaging to their sensitive hearing.

Since last Saturday, Henry’s birthday, I’ve felt this whole week like I just wanted to give up, to retreat from everything and hide. I didn’t let myself do that. If anything, I pushed myself even harder, to be present, to be overscheduled and to be overstimulated. Like if you are already feeling uncomfortable, can you push through to a maximum of discomfort so you just stop feeling that way? Like spiking a fever.

That’s not working anymore today. I feel like giving up. Maybe that is why I am drinking tea instead of coffee. To do this in the middle of the day, as I believe tea has it’s place but not during the day, is a sign that I am in deep trouble with myself.

I wonder to myself if I felt this way when the boys were still alive? Or did they keep me firmly anchored? Was it because of them that I always managed to get up and power through? When I felt at my most frustrated, did I come out of those dark moments because I had them nearby and they were happy with me exactly as I was? How much of my ability to emotionally regulate was based on my relationship with two loving small dogs?

I feel so empty. I feel like I want to disppear and stop giving a shit about all of the things I am trying to change in the world. I feel like I don’t care anymore. I feel like there is no point in caring anymore. I feel without hope. This is hard for me to acknowledge and even say out loud. Yet there it is. I have lost my indestructible sense of optimism. Or at the very least, misplaced it somewhere that I am not able to find it.

Crawling my way through

Big Feelings, Pets

This year of firsts. You know the year I mean. The one that starts the day you lose a loved one. The first day, then week, then month without them. The first birthday, yours or their’s, that you face. All the first times you go somewhere without them.

I have been doing that. I can’t say that I have been doing it very gracefully or with a high level of documentation. Primarily, it’s been trying to give myself the room to be sad, to miss my boys and to be okay with the fact that there are still tears.

Yesterday was Henry’s birthday. I woke up early yesterday morning, hours before the alarm to talk to him and to cry. The best time for me to cry is when the whole household is asleep. I knew that if I didn’t do that, it would be hanging over me like a cloud for the rest of the day and yesterday, I needed to be high functioning as I was speaking at an event.

I try to keep them close to me. I still hold George’s last blanket up to my face every night before I go to bed and first thing in the morning, to breathe in his smell. It’s fading and I know it. Henry’s little t-shirts are ducked into my drawer and they still smell like him. Last weekend, I cut open my arm from the work we were doing to build horse stalls. I reached for the Vetramil and smeared it on the cut, knowing that if had been good enough for Henry’s skin, it would be for mine as well. And mostly because I wanted to be reminded of the smell.

I skipped my birthday this year because there was nothing I wanted to celebrate. I chose instead to make the promise to myself that when I feel like celebrating it, I’ll just choose the day. For so many years, my birthday meant going away with the dogs to somewhere where they could be free and I could pretend to relax.

In some ways, I am getting better. I don’t cross the streets anymore to avoid walking past someone and their dog. Last week, I held a small dog in my arms until he fell asleep. I can spend time around dogs. I give the cats the attention they ask for, instead of trying to keep them at a distance. This is hard because they have all needed to adjust as well and now they are much more people oriented. Sometimes I wake up in the night thinking it is the boys that are sleeping next to me. Instead it’s Pickle or Olive if it’s really chilly. In that moment of half awareness, I think that the boys are still here and it’s just been a horrible dream.

I know that this will just take time and I cannot problem solve for it. While I haven’t slowed down, I also know that I can’t come through this by simply keeping myself so busy I don’t have time to think or feel. So I am not. While I typed that last sentence, Pickle just climbed up into my lap and is now hanging diagonally across my chest with his head over my shoulder. Glad he is comfortable!

Together again, George 2005-2023

Big Feelings, Pets

On the 20th of January 2023, eighty five days after losing our Henry, George slipped away in my arms. I thought we would have more time together. I thought that we would find our way through the grief of losing his brother and that we would start to make new memories.

But grief does strange things to bodies and out of nowhere and quickly, tumours had taken control of George’s little body. They were everywhere and aggressive. Suddenly he just stopped to responding to things.

He took his last breath in my arms, held close with the carefully repeated instructions to go and find his brother. That Henry would be waiting for him. With his passing, my last living link to my family as I constructed it was severed.

Henry and George spent the first 12 weeks of their lives living separately. And the last twelve weeks. The sixteen years, ten months and twenty four days between those two periods, they were never apart. As much as I loved them, their bond with each other was even greater. .

George was our adventurer. He wasn’t shy about making contact with people, especially if there were treats involved. He was an expert at getting zippers and bags open without anyone hearing him. He could liberate your lunch and have half of it eaten before you even noticed there was something going on. In my Lab, I had to buy replacement lunches for people more than once out of George’s allowance.

George was my Mom’s dog. He was crazy about her. When she was making her big plans to move to Ecuador, she told me that she would be taking George with her because he would easily adapt to learning Spanish and would be fine with a new environment. She wasn’t asking me, she was telling me. She was already getting him use to the sound of Jorge instead of George.

George was Raven’s companion. Raven was convinced that because they were both from Yakima, they had an instant friendship and a shared history. Watching them compete to find Easter eggs and to see who could find the most remains one of my favorite memories. The stinky egg farts afterwards from them both, not so much.

George lost both of them, we all did. But for him, they were primary. I felt sometimes that George got stuck with me because I was the one left. I felt guilty too because I loved them both but not the same. With time, I learned to let that go because I loved them enough for six people. Since they have been gone, many people have told me that they have a hard time thinking of me without them. For them, there was no me without Henry and George.

That is the hardest part to adjust to. That after all this time, I am not a We anymore. I am only an I because my boys are together again and without me. I know that grief is the result of love that you feel. But it sucks. I am struggling to find my way through this loss, one hour at a time.

To my little George, so named after Boy George, for your love for attention and outgoing personality, thank you for your love and patience. Thank you for giving me a reason to get up even when the hard days were happening. Thank you for giving me your trust and going anywhere we did. Thank you for loving your brother so much and helping us get through those first terrible days without him. Thank you for the horrible farts you would let loose in the car. Thank you for always being eager to go in the bath and letting us brush your teeth with such ease. Thank you for always wanting to be one inch closer than your brother when there were blankets involved. Thank you for showing me how much joy there is in the life of a small dog. I am missing you terribly. Most of all, I hope you know how much I love you.

For now, I hope you are with Henry. I hope you will be waiting for me. Sleep well, my darlings.

Henry 2005-2022

Big Feelings, Pets

Precisely one month ago today, our Henry’s mighty steady heart was quieted. I held him as he went still with instructions for him to go and find Mom and Raven, to be sure to wait for me and to know that he would never stop being loved. It was as peaceful and as loving as we could make it for him, at home. His strong heart held out for seventeen years and thirty four days.

The month that has passed hasn’t made the loss any lighter. As I write this, the tears are right there again. I met Henry when he was six weeks old, literally only a handful. I wasn’t looking for a small dog or even a dog at all. I was only there to help socialize the litter of puppies so that they would be ready for their real homes. Three weeks later, I left the socialization sessions with Henry. A month later, we would pick up George from across the mountains but that story is for another time.

Henry, named after Henry Rollins, was my rock. People made the mistake of thinking he was slow or not capable. I cannot tell you how many dogsitters he fooled with his approach to walks. Henry was neither of those things, he was determined and deliberate. The amount of stubborn resistance that he could pack into his 14 pound body was impressive. It was dwarfed by the immense amount of love he gave.

If Henry liked you, it was permanent. He would take his time deciding about you and once he did, you either had a fan for life or not. He could not even be persuaded to change his mind with the application of treats. His moral compass was fully operational. He had a bark that he seldom used but when he did, it was as if it came from 100 pound dog – which was quite useful when people rang the doorbell.

We’re all lost without the center of our family. With all of the rest of us, two footed and four, being busy and stressed, Henry was the Zen. The cats loved being near him. He was George’s therapy dog and at night, he slept between us. We are still missing him in our day to day routines. I am also not yet able to stop saying “The dogs” instead of “The dog”. I don’t know when I will be able to make that transition.

I haven’t wanted to write about it because that would make it so final. Just like picking up his ashes will. I have to remember that there is so much grief because there was so much love. Especially that he gave to all of us.

To my small and stubborn Henry, the heart of our pack, thank you for the years of joy and love that you gave to us. There never would have been enough years. Thank you for the many lessons in “Mindfulness with Henry” as you got older and slowed down a bit, giving me the chance to slow down with you so we could be together in our own bubble, rather than the speed of the world around us. Thank you for always trying and when it was not possible anymore, telling me. Sleep well, my darling.

PU.. chicken farts

Pets

It seems that everyone in the house, with the exception of me, has chicken farts. GG went to the Friday market today to get a chicken to celebrate George’s big 17. When I came upstairs to the kitchen, she was seated at our big table with all of the cats circling the area and George bouncing up and down like a jack in the box. Henry was sensibly waiting his turn under his blanket in his basket.

A feast was had by all of the omnivores. As can be expected, they all now have terrible chicken farts. While no one has yet fainted, I have the doors to the garden open as a precaution. 😉

George is sleeping next to me, dreaming of getting the whole chicken next time and with a side of fries. Olive is sitting next to me, purring. Henry is walking around, practicing for his next big adventure. Friday night in the village. 😉

The boys got their rabies shots this week and their annual check up. At the end of the month, we will be leaving for a temporary relocation to Spain. People are restricted to one carry on size trolley and a laptop bag. The dogs have their own bag and then the rest of the room in the car will be for the banjo. I am frantically trying to learn enough Spanish before we go so that I can communicate for the basics.

We had a young vet this week so there was no conversation about the five questions to ask yourself about when it is time to put your pet to sleep. As usual, I was the most anxious being in the room. She let me fly with my list of questions and stayed super calm and positive. They took a biopsy on a growth that Henry has on his chest and it turns out it is still just fat. Turns out the oldest dog in their practice is 19 and then it’s Henry and George for the tie.

PU… George just let another one fly. Oxygen masks from the ceiling, please!

Pizza, please

Pets

It’s rainy and chilly outside compared to the past few weeks. Henry is on the bottom layer of the pet pile, under a thick blanket. On the other side of the blanket, Pickle is curled up against him having finished with wreaking havoc on the outside world. With his back against Pickle’s, George is doing is best imitation of a being a member of the Snore Orchestra.

Yesterday we celebrated Henry’s 17th birthday. It was a quieter celebration this year, no wild party at the park or kegs of beer. Instead he woke up to a dog massage, lots of hugs and gratitude that he is still here with us. He did get organic raw beef for dinner instead of a McDonald’s cheeseburger. He didn’t seem to mind the difference.

Later on the evening, he did get a small piece of pizza crust. I am amazed by his drive. He’s quite fragile now and yet when he wants to resist something, it’s like trying to push over a German Shepherd. Or perhaps it’s that he looks fragile as he is mostly bald now and we underestimate that steady, stubborn dachshund streak. What has changed is that he is much more relaxed about being held. The boys have always been the kind of dogs who would cuddle up next to you but didn’t like being held. Maybe that is small dog street smarts – like don’t pick me up, stranger danger!

Now there are multiple times in the day where I can pick him up and hold him in my lap and he just sits there and hangs out. It’s particularly soothing (for me anyway) when I am videocalling. It could also be that he is cold. We’ll find out when we leave for Spain at the end of October for a month to live in a village.

Happy Birthday, Henry! Thank you for all the love you give. We love you!

Vegan Jackfruit Pizza Deserves Serious Attention

Bingo

Big Feelings, November, Pets, Travel

Yesterday, I won my own version of provincial bingo. I was also the only player so it’s not like it was a tough competition. There are 12 Provinces within the national borders and three more in the Caribbean.

When I first came to the Netherlands, I used to keep track of every trainstation I went through where I stepped out of the train. I would note in my digital notebook if they had toilets, a coffee bar, fantastic architecture, etc. Dutch people found this a weird and slightly amusing ritual. Of course, if you have lived somewhere your whole life and speak the language comfortably and have no problems peeing anywhere outdoors (aka Wild Plassen – Wild Peeing) then you spend your time complaining about your national train system instead of appreciating it. 😉

I saw a lot of the Netherlands via train. This brought me to my Provincial Bingo. I wanted to see every province in the Netherlands. I would have to spend at least a day there for it to count for the bingo. My last province was Zeeland. Yes, it’s where New Zealand gets it’s non-indigenous name from.

I never quite got around to Zeeland. Partially because every time we would look for a place to escape to, GG would say “Oh, the landscape is so boring there.” Or because everything was full. As it is very close to the coast it attracts lots of German and Belgian tourists. Or because it’s a part of the Netherlands that everything is closed on Sunday and deeply religious.

When we decided a two weeks ago to run away for the weekend with the boys, Zeeland was available. For the past two days, we have been wandering along the beach and in the dunes. It’s a bit hard because the last time we were at the beach, we still had our Nel (of the jenever drinking fame). She would have loved it here and they have done a good job of making things accessible here. Much more than in our province.

She passed on the 2nd of October, between the checkin points of the nightshift and the dayshift. The last time I spoke to her was a few days before when she was so angry that it was taking so long to die. It was in the early hours of the morning and by 11am when the doctor came on his rounds, she gave him a very clear indicator of what she wanted. It didn’t take long and I am glad that I was there to listen to her. I’m glad also that she made through to George’s 16th birthday and the last things she heard from me was that we loved her and George was going to get his scooter license.

Her funeral was the best it could be under the circumstances. We had sent a lot of photos for the digital wall and many people were under the impression that GG and I were in our 70’s and more mobile than our Nel. They thought all the trips she made with us were senior excursions so they were quite surprised to see the adventures she had been on and how “young” we are. The boys were also in attendance and received much attention, including pieces of wurst.

As for today, it’s very early still and George is snoring away next to my chair in the basket. It’s still dark outside and I’m on my way to my second cup of instant coffee (the one downside of weekends away from home). Eight years ago, I was spending my first week here as a resident. We arrived just before Halloween and I was due to report to work on the 4th of November. Crazy. How full the past eight years have been.

Henry can drive

Pets

Today my handsome little dachshund is 16. Officially, he could apply for a scooter license here in the Netherlands. While I think he would cut quite the figure in his muscle t-shirts (to protect his mostly bald skin) and a helmet that said ” Speedy” on it, he’s going to have to settle instead for continuing to be chauffered via bike.

Today his tshirt was red and we matched. It seemed only appropriate to highlight to the rest of the world that we have something to celebrate. Aside from his baldness, he’s still very healthy. He moves a little slower and he definitely doesn’t see as well but that’s not a bad thing. We just adapt and practice Mindfulness with Henry.

He and George had a delicious dinner (for them) with organic raw beef. It’s a better choice for them at their age than a plain double cheeseburger from McDonald’s. They will have it again next week when George is old enough to get his license. For George, we already have a helmet ordered. 😉

I know how fortunate I am that they are both still here and healthy. After they digest a little tonight, we will go on a walk so they can pickup birthday cookies from the cafes that know them.

My mom was a huge influence in what special dogs they are. Every day that they are here, I am reminded of the love and time that she put into their care even thought she would frequently say “They are not my dogs!” Committment issues 😉

On behalf of the Small Dog Rodeo, wishing you good walks, warm blankets and good food (according to your dietary preferences of course).