Monthly Archives: October 2020

Ants in the pants…

I have this small tic. I have a tendency to skip through time (the present) and fast forward. Usually this is also accompanied with overpreparation. Not like I am building a bunker or something but rather that I try to think of every possible scenario and “what if” it. I used to this alot before I would have to give technical presentations. I would make sure that I prepared for every possible random question.

It took me a few years to understand that my peers did not go to this level of preparation. 😉 Knowing that earlier might have saved me some stress. I thought that everyone just really knew their shit and I needed to play catch-up. Well, what they were really good at was acting like their knew their shit. I discovered this when there was a year where I had to cover for three of my peers.

Fast forward and I still get these feelings before meetings. But I know that once I am in the meeting itself, I don’t feel that way anymore at all. Then I feel like I am in the flow and wherever it goes will be just fine. It would be great if I could channel this in the time before the meeting. 😉

Another side effect is that this messes with my sense of time. As in if I do not doublecheck myself, I will show up three days early – sometimes more. This can be a little embarrassing!

I’m waiting on the outcome of a big meeting last week. Needless to say, I am running through all of the scenarios and you know what the absolute worst thing could be? That they say “Yes”. Which is hilarious. GG said to me the other day that I am so used to resistance in the work that I am doing that when there is none, I don’t to know what to do with myself. I hadn’t realized that.

I’ve spent the weekend trying to accept the fact that there just might not be any resistance because holy cannoli, my company might be part of the solution to another’s very big problem! This might take me a while to process. In the meantime, I am trying not to “what if” it.

All these ants in the pants are turning up some very strange dreams. Not surprisingly, there’s a common theme of anxiety and searching. For example, that I am trying to get back to my Mom and I keep get stuck in airports. Waking up from these kind of dreams is both a relief and a disappointment. Disappointment because I feel like if I kept going a little more, I would be able to see her, to talk to her, anything. Relief because the feelings that I am experiencing in the dream are not that pleasant, they are definitely high stress.

What I really need is a good dose of my Mom’s sarcasm, in a reminder not to take myself so seriously!

And they are 15…

Biggest news around here is that in the last week Henry and George turned 15 on their respective birthdays. While there was less live music and go-go dancing on these birthdays, they did each manage to open their presents and go to town on their birthday dinners. In between their birthdays, Pickle and Olive turned 2. Cats are not that good at opening birthday presents in comparison to the dogs.

For the winter, there’s definitely a new sweater in Henry’s future. He’s always had less hair then George and now he’s got some balding going on. I tell him often that it makes him look more distinguished. We went on a walk this morning and with the rain, the sweaters needed to go on to try and keep the undercarriage somewhat dry. It’s not really cold enough yet but it’s been raining nearly the whole week.

They are not the only ones who don’t like wearing extra gear. I am also not a fan. I’m commuting via bike daily, despite the rain. Regularly on the ride, I say out loud “See, Mom? I’m learning not to be a sissy!” 😉 It’s like you reach an acceptance point. That no matter how much rain gear you might wear, you’re going to get soaked. So just pedal through. Last Saturday, I got caught in so much rain and hail that my cotton sweater was down to my knees from the weight of the water. Yeah, that was super comfortable to sit in for three hours while I was meeting with someone.

This afternoon I am going to walk 50 feet and listen to the organ concert in the Grote Kerk. I love organ music. It’s the perfect fall music too because it makes me think of haunted houses. That might not precisely be their goal in the church. 😉 I’m going with my 89 year old walking companion in crime. GG was her first choice for concert partner but I am actually the one who likes that kind of music!

In the past week, the rules have changed again to counter a rising number of Covid-19 cases. For example, everything pretty much closes at 9PM now – since no new people can come in after that time. If you want to go out to dinner, make sure you do it before 9PM. Same thing if you want to grab a drink somewhere. My magic hour for going out was leaving the house around 10PM. Well, that’s not working so well anymore. They say it is only for three weeks but I have a feeling it is going to be extended.

We were scheduled to leave on vacation this morning. As you can imagine, that didn’t happen. We’re not going to reschedule for a third time, we’ll just skip it this year. Which suits me fine anyway because we all know how much I struggle with vacation. 🙂

I’m hoping that you are healthy!