Tomorrow I am off to Chicago. One of our few cousins on the paternal side is getting married on Saturday. We’re of course making the most of our thrifty sides and also using at as a reason for the siblings to get together. What I am trying to keep top of mind is by birth order I am the oldest. And now that we are all adults, I don’t need to manage the rodeo or make sure that everyone gets along or stays out of trouble. I think this will definitely require a conscious effort on my part. I remember Rupert saying to me last summer that he didn’t need me to be his big sister anymore, he was full grown. This really stopped me in my tracks. It was one of those moments where your self defined identity gets a shock. I don’t know that I can quit being the Big Sister. It reminds me of something my mom used to tell me, that no matter how old I got, she would always be my mother. And being mom, I believe she followed that up with the words that I would just have to accept it. We’re also going to be seeing my dad. This will be the first time that all four of us siblings and my dad will be in the same orbit since high school. Again, not my role to make sure everyone gets along. If I just keep repeating it to myself, maybe I will remember!

George totally knows that something is up. He refuses to fall asleep, just keeps watching me with his pop eyes. I haven’t even packed my suitcases in front of them but he still knows. Right now, Henry is wedged against my leg and George is lying on top of him, stuck to my leg even closer. Moortje is staring at me from the arm of the sofa and Lientje is running around chasing things that only she can see. They will be in good hands. Renee is coming to stay with them and they all like her very much.

I would have missed my flight if I hadn’t checked the times today. I had the arrival time in Chicago as the departure time at Schiphol. Whoops! All straightened out now. I am flying on a 747 combi, which means that they board 90 minutes before departure time. I haven’t flown on a 747 in a long time so I am kind of excited.

I debated with Meredith via text today if I should eat refried beans for breakfast in order to create my own inflight entertainment. These are the things that go through my head before I travel. I also thought about bringing my banjo so I could practice and offer others inflight entertainment. I had a really great banjo lesson today and I am going to be sorry not to have it for a week. However, I have already scoped out the Chicago music stores that carry banjos so I plan to visit them and practice under the guise of shopping for a banjo. Today I really had to pick up the pace of the picking and my hand is a little sore. I have to increase the speed so I can get to that classic sound. And I really have to memorize my rolls because I have one down, but there are four total and when I switch to the other three I start thinking about which strings I am picking and then it all falls apart. My banjo teacher has learned that he has to not tell me when I am doing something right because then I immediately fall out of the music flow. Just like with yoga, I could be holding a really painful pose and if the instructor said my name and commented, I would fall right out.

The power went out in our neighborhood today so I had to go and sit on a terrace. I know, but somebody had to do it 😉 I had a nice glass of wine because they couldn’t serve coffee. And when the power came back on, I headed back home.

I have cheese for my brothers, stroopwafels for Meredith and a collection of homemade mustards for Rupert. And for me, I am bringing a loaf of Dutch bread because I know I am headed to a bread desert of sorts. Not a carb desert, because of all of the pizza but definitely a bread desert. Although I will look forward to having a bagel. Pizza, of course.

Tomorrow also marks six months in Amsterdam. It means the diplomatic clause in my lease is now up and the owner can’t move back in before the end of the lease.

Beatrix was super useful today. I had my bike bags full of cheese, the basket full of dog food and cat litter. It is amazing how much you can cram into a bike. My next goal is to get some straps so I can strap my suitcase to the rear and ride to the train station. That won’t work this time so I will take the bus. But I know where we are headed 🙂 I see people carrying their suitcase in their hand while riding their bike but that makes me a bit nervous so I will get some straps.

I had a little bike accident in the woods on the way to work on Monday. I mistakenly thought I could just hop the curb with Beatrix but failed to angle the front wheel so we took a big slide followed by a crash. I skinned my shin and knee but Beatrix is okay. And I learned an important lesson about riding a bike and getting up over a curb. We also made most of the commute in 4th gear. Which feels much more effective than 3rd gear but is a lot harder work.

I wonder what it will feel like to be back in the US? And to hear English all over the place? Right now, I am always listening because there’s so much Dutch and English. If I was surrounded by people speaking Chinese, I would be able to give my brain a rest because I would have no idea what they were talking about.

Yesterday I had a fantastic orange and lemon sorbet from the ice cream maker on the corner. It was amazing! Next time I am going back for the red grapefruit! I had been wanting to stop there for some time but there’s always a line out the door and I am not that patient. I was walking back from the garage yesterday and there was no line so I made the most of it! He makes ice cream too but I was all about the vegan sorbet!

I think we’re going to sleep now since George and I will probably be up 10 times in the night out of nerves. Always good to have a companion in your anxiety.

A year ago today, we landed at Schiphol. Tomorrow will be the year marking the day that Mom’s ashes were placed with Oma in Marum. I was there today, on my way back from Groningen and I couldn’t do much more than cry against their marker. I didn’t have words today. Normally, I manage to spend some time talking while I am there but today I just couldn’t stop crying.

I had been in Groningen yesterday for work and since I knew I was going to be in meetings until 9pm, I decided that I would be better off staying in the north and then coming home today so I could go by Marum. I stayed at the mineral springs again and early this morning before checking out I soaked myself and tried to meditate. It is not very handy to meditate in salt water because you keep floating up every time you try to sit properly for meditation. The springs were mostly empty this morning, unless the rush of nude German wellness seekers like last time. Of course, last night I also stopped in at the little café to check out how things were going in the town. It was nice to see people again and hear the latest newest. I also had some good strategic discussions about going into business for yourself and what is necessary. Sometimes it surprises me that I know those things considering that I don’t really run my own business.

Tomorrow is Kings Day. Picture orange everywhere. I myself have a smashing orange hat with orange flowers that promises to be very sweaty on my head. I already had orange clothes as a regular part of my wardrobe. I am not going to the centrum to celebrate, that’s a bit too many people for me. It is also the first Kings Day since before Willem Alexander, it was 100 plus years of queens.

I don’t feel much like writing tonight. I am pretty exhausted emotionally. I think I am going to watch some Netflix with the boys. They got a bath today because George smelled like a sushi roll so they both got a bubble bath. And now they smell delightful.

I am feeling pretty all over the map right now. I left work early on Friday because the cough was getting far worse and I still had to make it home on Beatrix. It took longer than usual but I made it. As soon as I got home though, I collapsed into bed. I spent the next 48 hours only getting up to feed the pets if absolutely necessary and to drink orange juice. I couldn’t do much else except sleep, sweat, freeze, cough and have nightmares. This is also how I discovered that my tried and true Alka Seltzer cold formula had an expiration date of 2011 and who knew the date would really mean something? I thought I had gotten to the point that I was immune to the Alka Seltzer. It was a really bad 48 hours. I left the door open to the terrace the whole time and every so often would throw the boys of the bed with the instructions to “Go potty” . At least I think that’s what I was telling them.

Sunday afternoon, I realized I was out of food for the boys which meant I would have to get to the store. And I was trying to get myself moving which was really hard because I was sweating up a storm and freezing and getting winded walking to the bathroom. This is when I realized that there are times that not having a partner really sucks in the most practical of ways. If you are someone who has a partner, regardless of all of their annoying points, etc – I am going to bet that you do know that when the shit gets bad, at least you can count on someone to go to the grocery store or walk the pets or just call 911 if it gets really bad. To be fair, I have two amazing dogwalkers so the longest I would have laid undiscovered was another 24 hours until Monday (Kate’s day). But walking a block to get dog food was seriously beyond me. But it needed to be done because your pets don’t understand when they don’t get food. So, with the dogs, I managed to make it to the EkoPlaza to get their food and everything that goes in it. It was a close call, I almost passed out waiting for the cashier. He told me that I didn’t look so good.

When I got home, there was a text. From Renee, our other fabulous dogwalker. She wanted to know if she could take the boys out with her dog because she figured I was probably not with it. What do you say to that? Other than to be grateful that someone would do that and thought of it. I was so relieved. And in ten minutes, she was there to take the boys out and then bring them home good and tired.

I had alot of nightmares. It makes sense since I slept most of the 48 hours, waking up when I was freezing or drowning in sweat. Most of them were about my mom and how I couldn’t find her or I was just missing her a few minutes and in the wrong place. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they were about. It was really hard.

And today has been better from no more fever now just horrible coughing and nausea. But i have spent alot of the day crying. I also was sorting through some papers today and found alot of cards from my mom. It really really sucks that she’s gone. We’re almost at the year mark of when we were here to place her ashes with Oma.

And it sucks that I am never going to get another birthday card from her or one that she would write on behalf of the boys. And it is so fucking unfair that she is not here. And nothing is going to make that right or convince me that there is a good reason for it.