I am feeling pretty all over the map right now. I left work early on Friday because the cough was getting far worse and I still had to make it home on Beatrix. It took longer than usual but I made it. As soon as I got home though, I collapsed into bed. I spent the next 48 hours only getting up to feed the pets if absolutely necessary and to drink orange juice. I couldn’t do much else except sleep, sweat, freeze, cough and have nightmares. This is also how I discovered that my tried and true Alka Seltzer cold formula had an expiration date of 2011 and who knew the date would really mean something? I thought I had gotten to the point that I was immune to the Alka Seltzer. It was a really bad 48 hours. I left the door open to the terrace the whole time and every so often would throw the boys of the bed with the instructions to “Go potty” . At least I think that’s what I was telling them.

Sunday afternoon, I realized I was out of food for the boys which meant I would have to get to the store. And I was trying to get myself moving which was really hard because I was sweating up a storm and freezing and getting winded walking to the bathroom. This is when I realized that there are times that not having a partner really sucks in the most practical of ways. If you are someone who has a partner, regardless of all of their annoying points, etc – I am going to bet that you do know that when the shit gets bad, at least you can count on someone to go to the grocery store or walk the pets or just call 911 if it gets really bad. To be fair, I have two amazing dogwalkers so the longest I would have laid undiscovered was another 24 hours until Monday (Kate’s day). But walking a block to get dog food was seriously beyond me. But it needed to be done because your pets don’t understand when they don’t get food. So, with the dogs, I managed to make it to the EkoPlaza to get their food and everything that goes in it. It was a close call, I almost passed out waiting for the cashier. He told me that I didn’t look so good.

When I got home, there was a text. From Renee, our other fabulous dogwalker. She wanted to know if she could take the boys out with her dog because she figured I was probably not with it. What do you say to that? Other than to be grateful that someone would do that and thought of it. I was so relieved. And in ten minutes, she was there to take the boys out and then bring them home good and tired.

I had alot of nightmares. It makes sense since I slept most of the 48 hours, waking up when I was freezing or drowning in sweat. Most of them were about my mom and how I couldn’t find her or I was just missing her a few minutes and in the wrong place. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they were about. It was really hard.

And today has been better from no more fever now just horrible coughing and nausea. But i have spent alot of the day crying. I also was sorting through some papers today and found alot of cards from my mom. It really really sucks that she’s gone. We’re almost at the year mark of when we were here to place her ashes with Oma.

And it sucks that I am never going to get another birthday card from her or one that she would write on behalf of the boys. And it is so fucking unfair that she is not here. And nothing is going to make that right or convince me that there is a good reason for it.