I’m sitting here, looking out the window, at the sparrows that are darting by and the random cats that just went running out into the field. George is sitting on my lap, shivering from excitement, as he just had to bark ferociously at two dogs that were going by. The boys both have cataracts now, due to their age, but it doesn’t seem to impact George’s ability to continue to believe that everything he can see is his domain.

The way this works is that George sits on my leg and braces his paws against the arm of the sofa. In effect, I am his office chair since this enables him to look directly out the window.  Henry is curled up next to me and under a blanket since our second long walk of the day involved more water, including me making the decision that it was probably just a muddy crossing so I should keep going. Until I ended up to my shins in cold muddy water and had the good sense to turn back.

I’m not entirely sure where we are. I know that the cabin is located just outside the boundaries of a nature reserve. Early this morning, the boys and I walked through the woods and came across a herd of deer completely unexpectedly. Wow, they move fast once they start and they are loud!

We got here last night, in the dark. What should have been an hour and fifteen minutes driving time turned into four hours, due to traffic. I love watching how quickly the boys shed their age when they are somewhere off leash with lots of new smells. As much as I try to take them with me everywhere in the city, it’s no substitute for being able to run free.

My goal is to spend this week doing something different, figuring out what I need to process and move forward from. I’m also hoping to fill myself up with positive energy since normally this time of the year is definitely not my favorite and one where I really miss my Mom. My goal is also to survive the dog farts, George just let one rip in my lap.

GG came along with us. She will go back to civilization to spend Christmas with her family. I am relieved to not be participating this year. It’s not like it’s an excruciating experience. However, it’s not something that I enjoy and this year I am deciding to do things my way.  So far, I haven’t gotten any feedback but that’s probably more to do with the fact that her family tends not to have “discussions” like we do. They are more mild mannered people 😉

I believe today is the Winter Solstice so it should be the shortest day of the year. As my Mom would say, as of tomorrow we are heading back in the right direction.

Last night I had the most intense dream, one of those dreams that even when you wake up and know that you are awake, you continue to have the feeling that the dream is the reality.

In my dream, I was deeply involved in a conversation that I have never been able to have. I was able to get through all of the questions that had been running through mind and actually ask them to the person. I didn’t clear answers, or not ones that I remember.

When I woke up at 3AM, which is my usual time every night for wake up and look at the clock and remind myself that there are 3-4 more hours of sleep time available, I continued the conversation. I was awake and I continued the conversation with the sensation that the other person was also present. I still had things to say. The last thing I had to say was “I forgive you. I am done carrying this with me. I wish you peace.”

All day long I have felt like there is an enormous weight gone out of my life. It feels literally as if I have been freed. The closest experience I have had to this kind of feeling is when I had an intensive accupunture treatment that they normally use after trauma. I feel that same lightness today. It’s a feeling that I have been able to hold onto because today has certainly not been stress free. Nor have any of the daily stressors been eliminated. So it’s not like I woke up in a Disney movie. 😉

Being me, I have tried testing it. Like just now I tried thinking about the person, to see if the usual feelings would come up. Nope. Now that is nice! I think that means that I am ready to walk on.

I feel like I have a super productive meeting, one that needed to be had and that now action can be taken. In this case, forgiveness.

It’s also fueled my usual optimism even higher, which is already pretty noisy! When I look at the list of struggle items today, I am still optimistic that they can be solved positively and that everything will work out. I am grateful that I can use my talents to try and change messed up systems.

What’s your experience with forgiveness?