Ants in the pants…

I have this small tic. I have a tendency to skip through time (the present) and fast forward. Usually this is also accompanied with overpreparation. Not like I am building a bunker or something but rather that I try to think of every possible scenario and “what if” it. I used to this alot before I would have to give technical presentations. I would make sure that I prepared for every possible random question.

It took me a few years to understand that my peers did not go to this level of preparation. 😉 Knowing that earlier might have saved me some stress. I thought that everyone just really knew their shit and I needed to play catch-up. Well, what they were really good at was acting like their knew their shit. I discovered this when there was a year where I had to cover for three of my peers.

Fast forward and I still get these feelings before meetings. But I know that once I am in the meeting itself, I don’t feel that way anymore at all. Then I feel like I am in the flow and wherever it goes will be just fine. It would be great if I could channel this in the time before the meeting. 😉

Another side effect is that this messes with my sense of time. As in if I do not doublecheck myself, I will show up three days early – sometimes more. This can be a little embarrassing!

I’m waiting on the outcome of a big meeting last week. Needless to say, I am running through all of the scenarios and you know what the absolute worst thing could be? That they say “Yes”. Which is hilarious. GG said to me the other day that I am so used to resistance in the work that I am doing that when there is none, I don’t to know what to do with myself. I hadn’t realized that.

I’ve spent the weekend trying to accept the fact that there just might not be any resistance because holy cannoli, my company might be part of the solution to another’s very big problem! This might take me a while to process. In the meantime, I am trying not to “what if” it.

All these ants in the pants are turning up some very strange dreams. Not surprisingly, there’s a common theme of anxiety and searching. For example, that I am trying to get back to my Mom and I keep get stuck in airports. Waking up from these kind of dreams is both a relief and a disappointment. Disappointment because I feel like if I kept going a little more, I would be able to see her, to talk to her, anything. Relief because the feelings that I am experiencing in the dream are not that pleasant, they are definitely high stress.

What I really need is a good dose of my Mom’s sarcasm, in a reminder not to take myself so seriously!

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