Gratitude…

I’ve got to do something with how I am feeling right now. I spent most of today at the hospital waiting for Little C to come out of surgery so I could tell her bad jokes, the latest job situation and make other silly remarks as part of our continuing quest to improve our irreverent behavior. That was a success because around 1345, they brought her out of recovery and she was in possession of her mental faculties. That would have been the moment that I would have expected her to make the most of and pretend not to know anyone 😉

I got there around 1030 this morning because I knew that I would only be watching the clock so it made more sense to take my stuff and work from there. The beauty of internet access. I camped out on the floor they would bring her back to and acted as if I completely belonged there. A fine example of bluffing your way in. Turns out her partner, Edwin, was sitting in the patient lounge probably 15 feet away but I couldn’t see around the wall. Once we ran into each other, we had a long conversation about development, the cloud, etc. You know, the stuff that takes the waiting off your mind.

What I didn’t realize I was holding at bay until I was on the tram home was all of the memories of the last time I was waiting for someone to come out of surgery. My mom. She came out of it, they asked who her favorite child was to check her mental faculties. She gave the same answer as she had before going into surgery “I’ll never tell”. It is hard for me to see people I love in a hospital bed. It makes me feel so powerless because I would much rather spare them and do it for them. The logical side of me is aware that it would certainly not solve the problem, totally inefficient use of resources. But the emotional side of me wants to put on full scale armour and wade into the mess, tossing my dear ones behind me like some overdone cartoon.

This morning, when I started my meditiation (which is really hard work), I tried it lying in the bed with the timer set. See, normally I sit in a chair to do this but the pets come and try to sit on my lap or get attention because they are thinking “”Hey, look! She’s sitting there doing nothing right now.” Today, I really wanted to focus on Little C so I thought if I try meditating while I am lying right next to the pets, maybe they won’t figure it out. Except Lientje stepped on the timer and turned it off, without me knowing so I ended up going way longer… never a dull moment.

I know that sometimes I express myself awkwardly. Or more like the Dutch word, onhandig – which means unhandy. I like unhandy better because it fits more of what I feel. I have this enormous gratitude that the surgery went okay and that I have this amazing woman with her affection for stripes and Star Wars as my friend. At the same time, I am conscious of how frail each one of us really is. So, like I said, I am not really sure what to do with all of this. Except throw it on a page…

 

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