Tomorrow, it’s the viewing of the potential site of the Crazy Train Project. I have been waiting a very long time (3 plus weeks) for this. I am sure that by the time I finally fall asleep tonight, I will be having all kinds of dreams involving a massive, run down monumental building and my mom going through it, making comments about which projects she would tackle first.

I have a good feeling about this one. I know I have said that before, in this eight month search for the right place. I am not scared of the mega project from hell in terms of renovation and rehab. I am not scared of walking through the massive front doors and saying in my outdoor voice “OMG, I am in love”.  By now, we’ve looked at enough places that GG and our realtor don’t even bother telling me to keep my enthusiasm slightly less obvious 😉 I will be paying attention to see if I hear Mom!

Rollins on Monday was fabulous. By accident, we were right in front of where he was standing on stage. He was presenting a slideshow of his travel photographs so he wasn’t in the center. Which I think might have disappointed the people who scrambled to be in the very center of the front row. He was powerful, funny, inspiring and a reminder of so many places and people in my life. I can never get enough of him.

Last night at the meetup I was hosting, one of the attendees tried to sell me on the idea of moving to a farm in France, where the cost of living is much lower. One small problem, my French is abysmal and well, I think I will try it out as a vacation destination first!

Anyway, think I am going to go and torture GG with some more ideas…

Tonight we’re off to Eindhoven – also known as the home of Philips – yes, that one, to see Henry Rollins in his Travel Slideshow spoken word. It will be good to see him again. However, we have to go via the part of the country where the most and worst traffic jams occur so we’re leaving here pretty early. I think a little too early but I am not driving today. I am the nose blowing passenger.

I am holding off on taking the dwindling supply of Alka Seltzer under an hour before show time.

Last night I had a long talk with my brother about the Crazy Train Project. It’s a nice thing to be able to bounce some ideas of someone who is definitely a serial entrepreneur and can share that advice with me. He gave me some things to think about regarding this project. Even if this doesn’t turn out to be the right location, I really want to see this project come to life. I realized while I was talking to him that one of my inspirations for the project is DubSea Coffee. Which then started me thinking about 50 other possibilities!

Yesterday I ended up with a text message on my phone from someone who used to work with me a very long time ago, when I worked at the airport. That was definitely a trip down memory lane and it made me realize how much my life has changed since those times, good and bad. It also made me wonder how much have I changed myself. Needless to say, I gave myself so many things to think about, I ended up having very vivid dreams 😉

I think one thing is for sure, I don’t need to have an answer to every question anymore. Now, that’s progress in itself. For some people, they need a concrete understanding. There are some things in which you need to have it. For me, I think I am pretty good with just knowing that there are multiple possible answers and actually, the answers are not that important. Furthermore, there are some questions where there just are not any answers for that make any sense.. 😉 and that could only be something from a TV drama.

Anyway, one week from today and it’s the open house for building that the Crazy Train Project is based on. I wish it was today already!

Okay, it’s going on more than a week now and every day brings a uniquely special experience – which sounds much more pleasant than symptom. Today, the green snot is making it’s debut. And let me tell you, judging by how hard I have to blow my nose, it’s not that eager to exit into the world.

I had tried the approach yesterday of holding off from consuming Alka Seltzer cold medicine, to see if I could hang tough like the Dutch and take the day off sick. Nope. I still worked.

After I finish my coffee this morning, I am going to dig into my shrinking stockpile of cold medicine and give in. Luckily, I am going back to the US next month so I can get some more.

A vacation decision has been made. We are going to France for three weeks. On the coast of Brittany, in a stone house that is 50 meters from the beach. Of course, this is the northern coast of France so the average temperature for June is 61 degrees F which also matches the water temperature. Put away your ideas of tanning on the beach and think instead walking for miles with wind and hair standing somewhere above your head – along with two small dogs and a great deal of French bread 🙂

It’s the first year that I do not have to focus on the last month of the fiscal year so we are able to go away early before the high season starts. This was a matter of some debate since Dutch vacation habits are to go in either July or August, depending on which province you live in. This mostly has to do with school vacations since children don’t have ten weeks off like they do in the US. We’re making our own rules 😉

Okay, time for Alka Seltzer… achoo!

I read that somewhere last week, that the secret to greater piece of mind was to write at least four times a week for fifteen minutes a day. Since I haven’t actually reached that level of effort for this week, I can’t tell you if it works. So, I’ll give it a try starting today.

Cold season is here and while I am happily drinking Alka-Seltzer fizzy tablets each day, GG is following her preferred course of treatment with tea made of lemons, ginger and turmeric (called kukurma in Dutch) and lots of toilet paper for the sneezing and the coughing. Of course, she also calls in sick to work and I call in via Skype. It’s interesting, these cultural differences. I think she’s probably a more patient patient than I am because there is nothing that makes me more irritable than having a cold or the flu – which is quite ridiculous.

I just want to be done having a cold and feeling weird and move on, damnit. Hence the Alka-Seltzer. I am going to need a refill the next time I am back in the US. I think I have mentioned before, it is hard to get over the counter cold medicine here because when you are sick, you stay home… I know, go figure 😉

Last week, I was quite busy, going to meetups or other gatherings nearly every night. I am kind of in massive network mode at the moment. In the middle of the week, I paused and went out to tour a dairy farm with my old interns. It was an awesome afternoon, really thought provoking. I did not get to hug a cow, which I wanted very much to do. However, I did get the answer to a question that has been bugging me for years. Cows do not smell like horses, they have a much less distinct aroma. I love the smell of horses so this was a slight letdown. I could and did watch them for a couple of hours. The afternoon on the farm also prompted me to think on the way home about just moving out of the cities all together – to the platteland (the flat land) and finding a small farm.

At the same time, I don’t think we are quite ready for that much of a conformist sensibility and in the small villages, there are a lot of social controls. Which is why we are keeping our housing search to the cities.

Also, it is the time of year where everyone is supposed to be booking their summer vacation. I tell you, the pressure is making me nuts! I have 34 vacation days to use this year. I have outsourced the search to GG – since she likes research.  The only requirements are that the dogs can come, it is near water, not in a vacation park and preferably too close to the neighbors (attached). Trust me, my eyes are crossing from the number of places she has sent me 😉 I was originally thinking of going off the coast to the Wadden Islands but they are already fully booked for the summer season so no way.

I’ll keep you posted on the vacation plans 🙂

It seems this week that when I try to describe my ideas to people, I often find somewhere to place the invitation for them to join me on the crazy train, all aboard. It seems like a good metaphor for me to work with. I don’t know the route that the train will take but I do know where I want to end up. Hence, only the train is crazy and not necessarily the passengers or conductor 😉

Of course, this week has been a week where I ask more questions then normal, especially given the thoughts of Mom. I have spent more time than usual thinking about Mom, her impact on my life, my responsibilities and what kind of values do I really hold and why. You know my mom was definitely a big dreamer,  no worries about the practical (that’s what her daughter was for), no obvious regard for what other people thought she should be and do.

So, where am I going with this? Well, yesterday we went to Delft to look at a house that we were very interested in. On the way there, I was nervous because I really do not want to have to make a choice between Delft or Schiedam but would if it meant the right house at the right price and at the right moment to move (sooner rather than later). Also, Wednesday morning, a big wreck of a house in Schiedam came on the market. Fortunately, the house in Delft, while in an amazing location, was definitely not the right house, especially for GG. We brought Sabine with us since the last time we were in Delft, we made an offer without her being there because the market was so fast.

Sometimes I think we must be Sabine’s most difficult clients. I told her yesterday over the coffee that we had afterwards that she could always fire us as clients, it wouldn’t change our friendship. Secretly, I think she likes the crazy train 😉 So, I convinced everyone to go to Schiedam and walk around the area where the new potential wreck is – henceforth known as #8. Off we went for an exploration.

What to say? It’s awesome. It’s two buildings, one a house and the other a warehouse – currently serving as Hotel Pigeon to judge by the broken windows and the traffic flying in and out. Between these two buildings is an enclosed garden of 1600 sq feet. I know, for those of you reading from the US, you are like “That’s all?” For the Netherlands, that’s bigger than alot of houses! There’s an enormous tree right on the property line which also is super appealing.

The front house, from the outside, is in a serious state of disrepair. It dates to 1800 and over the centuries has also served home to the Roman Catholic library. You know where I am going with this, don’t you? 🙂 We are really trying to get an appointment to see it, it’s still occupied as Sabine learned when she peeked in the windows! The barman from the cafe three doors down said that we definitely didn’t want to get started with that building, given the repairs it needs. He also told us we should go to the library across the street and from the second floor windows we would be able to see over to the roof of the house. Handy tip. We ran into him later at the wine bar down the street.

While we were sitting in the first cafe, GG got a call from the listing agent’s office who was trying to figure out if we were serious viewers or if we would be easily shocked and just lookieloos. Her telling them that we were actually sitting three doors down from the building kind of convinced them that we are definitely serious about seeing it. Well, I am anyway. Sabine can’t control her curiousity about it and plus she never thought we would show her a bigger project than the first one in Schiedam. I have a feeling that #8 is going to blow that one out of the water!

I feel like there’s a reason that this one is now on the market and why it keeps calling me – even if common sense says I should hang up the phone! I feel the influence of Mom, with her whole “leave the practical details to someone else, I will concentrate on the idea”. Of course, there’s nothing to say that I can’t do both…

Mom,

Today marks five years. I’ve been dreading this day for a very long time. Which doesn’t really make sense since there isn’t a day where I ever think “Wow, today’s a good day not to have your Mom”.

I’m a mess today, as I expected. Your boys are sleeping in their basket next to your desk that I use as mine now. Leonard Cohen is playing, his last album. The mostly cold coffee is sitting sourly in my stomach and I keep drinking it.

I am still missing you. And so not able to do anything with all of that. I am still trying to figure out ways to do things that hold your presence close. Last night, it was a rijstafel for 12 people, all a little bit different and with their own history. The things I take from you are making room for those who don’t fit, paying the bill secretly and feeding as many people as you can.

You make me strong in my convictions not to go and do something because it is easy, but rather because it is the right thing. Which are rarely the same. You remind me to stay true to who I am even when I know it would be easier to just stop trying so fucking hard and go with the status quo.

I’m tired, Mom. How did you do this for so long, swim upstream against the status quo? I never thought about how you must have grieved for Oma. You just kept going, kept us from derailing. I miss your strength and your stubbornness.

I’m looking up at your big frame. Later today, I am going to park a chair near it and serenade you with my banjo playing. I can still hear you telling me after I unpacked the first banjo from the mail order catalog, that if I wanted you to die sooner, I would play that banjo. I don’t know of many other people who would say that to each other. In the end, I didn’t play that banjo much and you still went way too soon. I’ve come a long way since that first banjo and I think that I will play some of that for you, in the spirit of our relationship.  It’s not like you can stop me now!

Most of all, Mom, I wish you had been here these past five years to be part of these memories with me.

I love you, for now and for all time.

This would have been your 78th celebration with Mexican food, one margarita and two sips of a second one and another day where we would have laughed and said insulting things to each other in the way that we could.

Right now I am sitting on the couch, with the dogs snoring beside me and listening to the wind outside. We celebrated you at dinner, at a Mexican place where they all speak our kind of Spanish 🙂 In other words, the sing songy Spanish of Mexico and Latin America. You would have like the music, the people and the margaritas for sure. There’s finally a Mexican restaurant here run by three brothers from Mexico – who do not make any dishes that include pineapple and cheese in the same sentence!

I thought about how I would like to honor you today, Mom. So I applied for a new job, bringing technology to developing countries. While I was going back and forth in my head about whether or not I was really even qualified to apply, I heard you in my head yelling “Towanda!” from the movie Fried Green Tomatoes.

I love you, Mom, and I still miss you…

It’s raining and I am secretly hoping it starts raining even harder. The fireworks in the neighborhood have already started and they will go on til 2AM or so. The boys are very uncomfortable, even with Rescue Remedy on dog cookies. I anticipate there will be lots of accidents to clean up tonight. Hopefully, only from the four legged residents.

Last night, we were invited to go and have a drink at Sabine’s. She lives in Amsterdam North and it seemed reasonable to go via bike instead of via public transport. Well, the city was so full of people, that it took us 30 minutes to cycle to Central Station – which is almost slower than walking. Then we took the ferry (5 minutes) across to North and proceeded to follow the directions on GG’s phone to get to Sabine’s… We nearly ended up in Alkmaar because the GPS points were completely off. What should have been a 35 minute bicycle ride from door to door ended up taking 2 hours. In the dark and the rain. We should have literally taken a left at the windmill – however, technology said otherwise 😉 For future trips, I think I am going to listen to my own directional sense and not rely on Google maps!

After our buttnumbing ride, we had a really great evening as is always the case when spending time with Sabine. Originally, we were hoping to use last night to celebrate being the lucky future owners of a house in Delft that we were bidding on but it didn’t turn out that way. So, yeah, on to the next house…

Looking back at this year, I am really thankful that there were so many new things to try, so many different ideas to think about and so many chances to be involved in the lives of others. I hope that in 2018 I can scale up accordingly 🙂 I might need to learn to be a little more patient with myself and how long it can take to make change!

I’ll be starting the New Year with the beings who love me most, I think 🙂 I hope your 2018 starts the same way!

Well, in a few hours. As it is Christmas Eve, the little church at Marum is open for a special service. I pass the church every time I go to Groningen for work and the team is now used to me saying “Hi Mom, love you” as we pass it. I never stop with the team in the car because I feel like that might be really pushing the boundaries of team building. Then again, with my particular team of curious young people, maybe not.

I’ve spent the past few days with a low level feeling of dread. I know what it is, the feelings that this time of the year evokes, all swirled around each other like some messed up mega lollipop with 40 different colors. I also know that I have survived this time of the year before… and that the discomfort eventually recedes after the 16th of January.

I am restless right now. I don’t really want to write. GG is watching some terrible Netflix 😉 and the pets are snoring. My upstairs neighbor is playing his angry music again. He probably knows a thing or two about feeling unsettled. Maybe I should go knock on his door and see if he wants to go chop some wood or something with me? I can only imagine his reaction! 😉

Anyway, Merry Christmas to you all 🙂

I am really out of sync when it comes to writing lately. Not because I do not want to. Instead it’s more of thinking that I will find time to do it that day and then it falls off the list.

Tomorrow night is my last class of my night school program. It will be a good end to what was pretty interesting. If nothing else, I learned two very important things. The first being that I can indeed play my banjo in front of a room full of people, provided they do not know what the banjo actually should sound like 😉 I had to do that last week as part of my Ode to Freedom. The second being that I think I might be ready to look at a Master’s program for real now. I’ve thought about it on and off again over the past few years. Now I think I might be ready to pursuit one. I need to find the right one, which might be more difficult than it sounds. Lately the Master’s in Philosophy has been appealing – I know, not exactly great for future employment prospects but it would give me plenty to think about!

This morning, I was thinking about returning to the US. Not sure what I will do with that idea. Maybe it represents more of a question about where do I want to go next and what do I want to do? You know I get restless after a certain amount of time and am ready to change things up again. I think part of it also because as usual, I am spending too much time in my own head and asking myself all sorts of questions. I wonder if I will ever learn to be still? 😉

GG and the pets are good, everyone is healthy. Little C is through her last operation and we had snow last week – which was beautiful! I’m taking some days off next week to have a little bit of disconnect time.

I am still struggling at this time of the year, with Mom’s birthday right around the corner and that it’s been nearly 5 years since she left. I can’t really wrap my head around that. I was reminded of her yesterday when one of the university professors asked me if I wanted to sign up for a PhD in her program – thinking of my mom at my graduation from UW and her remark that I should go on to pursuit a PhD in Nanotechnology because there were not any women on the stage. I had to disappoint the professor because I don’t even have a Master’s. I don’t think I will end up with a PhD in Nanotechnology! However one in Computing and Society might be pretty interesting 😉