Unapologetic Bitch

The song, of course. It appears on Madonna’s newest album and I have been listening to the entire album a lot lately. Let me just first get out of the way that the concert was AMAZING. I wanted to go back Sunday night as well. Super good companionship and dance partners combined with a spectacle of acrobatics, music and attitude like only Madonna can express.

I’m noticing the Rebel Heart album has an underlying theme of what happens on a personal level when you get stepped on and what happens when people try to do it to you. The fusion between the feelings and the actions. And the struggle between the two.

I have been catching quite a bit of feedback lately. Everything ranging from “you need to be more of a bitch” to “you are not aggressive enough” to “you hold too much in”. Yeah, definitely a theme. I am still wrestling with a what to do with all this feedback. I wish I could say it was only from one source but it isn’t.

Truthfully, I don’t know what to do with this at the moment. I feel like I have worked very hard to be more open, emotionally aware and far less hiding behind walls. I don’t want to undo that work because it is important part of who I am. Then I wonder if I really have tilted too far into this sort of way of working through the world. I know that I work in a highly competitive environment. I have always liked the fact that I am far more about being tenacious than being visible and trumpeting loudly. Moving here was also a welcome break from that sort of expectation. Except now it seems that while I have definitely grown in directness, I have yet to reach the level of the local population. I think by aggressive they don’t mean gladiator sports but rather more Dutch.

So, this means that I have been gravitating to music lately that has lots of unapologetic bravado and maybe even a little dose of “fake it ’til you make it”. It is definitely pushing what I feel comfortable with for myself. I have no problem being an advocate for someone else and being fierce. And I am always encouraging others to ask for help and be aware of their strengths and have confidence in them. Uh, right, now I need to a little more of that for myself or I need to find myself a tough love coach to help me through it. I wonder if R’s old therapist has any extra room on his client schedule? πŸ˜‰

Tomorrow I leave for a tropical island. It is only for a week but I am going to make the most of the 87 degree weather. I’m torn between deciding if I should try to learn dolphin training and go on a snorkel day trip or if I should be more frugal and do one or the other? I think I will make a decision when I get there, based on local input and the weather. I am only out of the Netherlands for 7 days in total so I need to maximize the chill out time πŸ™‚

Of course, I am trying not to let the pets know I am leaving tomorrow yet George still had three seizures in a row this morning. I know, how does he know this stuff is going to happen?? The last one was a big one and I am starting to wonder if his medication isn’t able to control them as easily anymore. I hope not because I really don’t want to put him on something with more side effects. I can’t even say it was the banjo playing because I was making coffee when it happened.

By tomorrow, I will be saying “hello” from the beach πŸ˜‰

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