Six years

There’s no other phrase for how I feel today than “No good, very bad, think I will go eat worms.”

I think one of the things I don’t know how to wrestle with the most is the movement from the active missing to one that just kind of becomes a steady, in the background kind of missing. You get used to it, it becomes part of your life and your experiences, who you are. It’s like a skin tag. As long as you leave it alone, it’s there and it doesn’t hurt or itch or make itself otherwise known. But when you start scratching it, picking at it or what ever your form of getting rid of it is, it starts to make itself known again.

I am not comparing my Mom to a skintag. She was way too big to be contained in a skintag! But the missing is like one. And just like with skintags, I know that if I pick at it, the grief will come back again in a full wave. Strange how that works. I remember thinking that grief was a straight line, to be overcome by following a series of steps. I know, what the hell was I thinking?? 😉

So, here we are. Today’s weather is cold, windy and rainy. Also perfect for my bad  sad mood. I wish I could hear my Mom laugh right now or say something offcolor or call me a “tuthola” pronounced tuut whole a . Emphasis on the vowels! It’s a catchall word for a woman who is anything from a bookworm to a bitch and everywhere in between. It sort of depended on my Mom’s mood. 😉

I think that if I were to make a list of the things that I am most grateful to having learned from my Mom, here’s what they would be:

  • don’t pay attention to what other people think is normal.
  • know yourself and take joy from your quirks and what makes you different.
  • don’t give up even when it all seems stacked against you.
  • when you love, love fiercely without conditions.
  • always use your strengths to help others.
  • call out things that you see, don’t wait for someone else to do so.

I think it’s time to hug the pets and put on some Leonard Cohen.

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