Today is Raven’s birthday. I decided the best way to celebrate was to order the (vegan) pizza that most resembled American pizza, complete with jalapenos and to take myself to the movies tonight. I can tell you the dogs were certainly happy to get their share of pizza crust that didn’t taste like whole grain or cauliflower.

I woke up really unsettled. I know myself well enough by now to give myself a task to complete that preferably involves some amount of extra effort that is required to get there. I needed to go to the pet store to return a number of harnesses that I wanted to try with Henry. I could have easily done this with my bike yesterday on the way home from work. Instead I got George ready to go and we walked to the metro to take it to the nearest station to the mall equivalent. From there, we went for quite some time on foot. George was nervous because he had no idea where we were going and furthermore, was he going to get left behind?

At the pet store finally, right after it opened. No line so we were easily able to return the three harnesses plus dog backpack that Henry was too long to fit into. A quick trip through the dog treats aisle where George was very interested in taking down the canisters in the buy 2 get 1 free promo. Back to the long walk to the station, only this time, we’re going to take the tram. Which we had just missed. But the key is to make things inconvenient so that the feeling of unsettledness goes away. Waiting for the tram we were surrounded by senior citizens and their trollies. Friday is market day where we live and I guess they were all heading there.

Should we take the tram all the way home? No, of course not. One stop before and out we go to walk some more and to pick up the vegetables for the weekend. By the time we got home, it was 1030 and almost 70 degrees. George was happy to take a nap under my desk and Henry didn’t even blink an eye when we came in. I was then reasonably settled enough to start working.

Work is a good distraction for me. At least that’s how it appears on the surface. Iit doesn’t resolve all the bubbling emotions under the surface though. I have a lot of anxiety lately. There’s be some high stress events over the past few weeks and then there’s the regular stress of watching the boys get older. Last time we were at the vet with Henry, she gave us a pamphlet that translates to “Better to Ask the Questions Too Early” which is a guide to asking yourself the questions when your companion animal is in the last chapter of their lives as they put it. She means well even if she is constantly shocked by the age of the boys. She calls them ancient and then apologizes to me for using that word. It doesn’t bother me to hear that, I have had them for 16.5 years – I am pretty used to how old they are. 😉

The biggest concern right now is the delicateness of Henry’s skin. It’s fragile and as he is mostly bald, there’s not a lot to protect him. He wears t-shirts to protect him from the sun. We are now padding his t-shirts with maxipads so that he has extra protection and doesn’t tear anything. It’s working pretty well. It’s a little extra padding. Of course, we had to search a lot of places to find those old fashioned bulky maxipads. The modern ones may have wings but they don’t have enough padding for our purposes. I know, that’s a weird sentence. 😉

GG is in London. She went with a friend for the opening of the ABBA Virtual Reality experience. Coincidentally it is also Queen Elizabeth II’s Platinum Jubilee, which the two of them did not realize until about a month ago! Go for the ABBA and stay for the real royalty!

Our favorite little queer bar is closing it’s doors on Sunday. That will be an adjustment. Apparently they got an offer they couldn’t refuse. It’s now going to become a Brazilian tapas place. They thought they would have longer but the new people want to start right away and the landlord said Okay. There aren’t many other places nearby that have the right mix of weirdo tolerance. Most of the places that I could crawl home from cater to a more upscale clientele. I don’t want to go anywhere that requires me to have manners and to wear socks. 😉

May in the Netherlands is a month that seems far busier here than anywhere else I have ever lived. Leading up to May is (now) King’s Day on 27 April. The first of May is Labor Day. The 4th of May is Memorial Day (for WW II victims and now expanded to all war victims) and the 5th of May is Liberation Day – for the end of the Nazi occupation. The 26th of May is Ascension Day.

Two years ago marked the 75th anniversary of the end of WWII. However, everything here was in a lockdown like in many other countries so all the activities that had been planned were cancelled or turned into remote viewing only. Then last year we were in another lockdown. This year, things are cautiously starting up again.

For the past two nights, we have been attending concerts in historic old churches of Jewish composers and musicians. Most of these composers were murdered in the concentration camps. Interwoven in their pieces of music being performed are readings about the experiences of their fellow citizen and how the two are interconnected. It’s really moving and interesting. At last night’s performance, I left with two books on the subject. There’s one more this evening, this time focused on the subversive music movement by the Jewish musicians or as the Nazis referred to it “entartete muziek” . The whole series translates to “Unleased sounds: Forbidden music in times of repression and resistance”. We have been, sadly, the youngest attendees by a long shot.

George is curled up next to me, snoring in time with the keyboard. I hear one of the cats in the kitchen, eating out of the dogs’ bowl. I suspect it is Pickle based on the volume and complete lack of discretion. Smokey has his back turned to us and is sleeping on his pillow in front of the fireplace. Henry is still upstairs in bed with GG. As for me, I’ve got my coffee and I am trying to figure out the chances of getting a refill without disturbing George.

We’re having to be a little more careful with Henry these days. His skin is quite fragile, just like it gets with very elderly people. There’s some special homepathic oil for horses and dogs that is coming this week and we will try that on him. In the meantime, he’s excused from going on walks as the harness irritates his skin. He has what are the equivalent to pressure sores, I think. He’s not really a fan of all the nursing treatment he gets as we work to find the right combination of bandage protection that fits on a small, stubborn dachshund. He’s patient up to a point but then he has had it. He does seem to like the liversausage treats he gets after his turn on the table. Thanks to Meredith for being able to provide us with a list of names of what kind of bandages we were looking for, which we could then translate into Dutch and find locally!

It’s hard sometimes, to watch him. It’s a gift that he’s still toddling along. He eats and drinks like a champ. He doesn’t always see everything so easily, like last night walking through the drinking fountain instead of around it. But he tries. I love him so much and he knows it. He is getting thinner and becoming more frail. I know that’s expected but it still sucks. Two weeks ago, we went to the beach and we walked down by the water. He was dancing along and we had a steady, mindful walk. 😉

With George, unless you get up close, you wouldn’t really see that he is a senior dog. People are always surprised that he is the same age as Henry. We take George out more places by himself now so that he can move at a faster tempo. George also still does well on the bike whereas Henry really hates it. Now I have them both next to me, yogurt has been served along with kibble. Sounds tasty, doesn’t it? I have also managed to refill my coffee. 😉

I’m doing a lot of work lately with young people who are returning to school after a prolonged absence. I spend the time with them teaching how to plan their calendars, develop good study habits, get them to read either aloud together or independently and then come back and discuss and a few other things. Mostly I want to be sure that if they leave the formal education system again, they will not stop learning. In all those years that I was working and not studying, I never stopped reading. I think that’s what really kept me going.

This means that my range of reading material spans from Percy Jackson and the Olympians to biographies of Dutch soccer players because I let the young person pick. I am learning more about professional soccer than I ever thought I would. 😉 Speaking of, I have many more chapters to go.

It’s sunny outside and the temperature says it is 44 degrees with a real feel of 34. It’s the first Sunday of the month, which means the stores in the “village”are open. But that’s not for us this week as we are experiencing Covid.

It wasn’t until the third test on Friday that we were able to confirm that we had it rather than a cold. On Tuesday I started to feel like I had the onset of a cold, which would be weird since I was already sick in December. I’m fortunate to have an immune system that fights off most things so some years I skip even an annual case of the flu. I shrugged it off and went about my business. I selftested when I got home, nothing. Same for GG.

Wednesday I woke up with one of those cold voices and congestion. Nothing to it, just focus and get on with your day. By Thursday, GG was sick. And despite another round of self tests, we were both negative.

Friday we did round three after GG went to get a professional test at the health department. Suddenly, within minutes, there was a second dark line. No, it wasn’t pregnancy, it was Covid. Bah.

Like responsible adults, we cancelled everything we had planned in person for the next week. We ordered groceries – which we never do because I have this weird belief that as long as our legs are working, we can get ourselves to the store. We made plans to stay as isolated as possible. We notified everyone that we had been in contact with over the past week.

Technically you are not even supposed to walk your dogs but I don’t have another option. I can’t trust the cats to walk the dogs. I walk the dogs in the direction that we are the least likely to encounter other people. I am trying to keep them to their routine as much as possible which is why we just went out for a walk and I know how cold it feels!

It feels weird to have Covid. I am quite certain I have an extremely mild case. I was surprised by how each day seems to have a different symptom phase. My least favorite one was the muscle and joint pain. GG is a day behind me in terms of symptoms which is why I am downstairs typing and she is camped on the couch.

The whole mental puzzle of wondering how you got it and when is a first for me. I start wondering when did I put myself at risk and did I put anyone else at risk? It’s my first experience of being conscious of being an infector.

I’m looking forward to coffee tasting normally again. Right now, it’s still a little off. I realize too that we are fortunate that the case that we have is pretty light. We also have a home to be quaraintined in. Not to mention that if we need to order things, it’s possible.

Stay healthy!

Today it’s 8 years ago that Mom passed into the light. On the day that it happened, Seattle was experiencing a strangely beautiful winter day. The day was cold, clear and sunny. When she left, it was with the sunlight shining down on her face through the windows. Later, it was as if she chose the most beautiful moment of the day to go since Seattle in January usually consists of grey, plus more grey, plus rain.

Today it’s snowing. I didn’t believe it would happen since I think most weather forecasts follow the CYA Forecast Methodology – the Cover Your Ass kind. When they say “There will be a chance of showers, some breaks and a light wind may occur in the evening. And there’s a chance of some sun.” Everything in one forecast, take your pick and you will always be partially correct!

It started snowing in the middle of our walk this afternoon. I didn’t think it would continue or pick up in intensity but it has. After all, we’re too much of a city, it’s too warm, etc. It also started earlier than they said it would. Then again, why shouldn’t it today?  Mom wasn’t known for her “go along with crowd” personality.

Where snow is concerned, I have some really good memories of my Mom. For example, the day we went to pick up George at 3 months of age from the shelter in Yakima, it was snowing. He and Henry first met each other in the snow. When I surprised her with a trip to the Yukon Territory (CAN) for her 72nd birthday, there was so much snow that if you stepped of the path to to your cabin, you would be standing in snow above your knee. I remember her stepping off the path by accident and how much we laughed then. 

We were the only guests during the time and the toilets were in the main building. If you left your cabin at night, the only light was from the sky and the snow.

As it snows today, there won’t be the chance of seeing the Northern Lights or hearing her laugh. Instead I’ll make soup out of all of the leftover things in the kitchen and think of her doubting if all of those things really belong together in one pan. And I will miss her When the snow stops, I hope the world outside will be as magical as my Mom was.

I really tried today to have a brighter mindset. Riding my bike this morning, I tried to find the freezing cold weather and harsh wind out of the NE as a way of bringing my Mom closer. She used to say that all of the cycling in the rain and wind is what made her tough. I tried to use that wisdom this morning to keep missing her at bay. Not particularly successful.

By the time that I got to the classroom, there was just no salvaging it. Today was going to be hard and I wasn’t going to be able to get away from the feeling of missing her and still being sorry that she is gone. And yeah, still feeling angry – too early. I wasn’t ready not to have my Mom at my side anymore. Or more realistically, standing behind me and giving me a swift kick.

The thing I want to yell most is “IT’S NOT FAIR.” It’s not and it won’t ever be. That doesn’t make me unique, it makes me one of the billions of people who have lost someone that they loved. It makes me mad that there are so many things I didn’t get to share with her, all of the energy and determination she had that didn’t get to start as many shitstorms as she had a right to and a capacity for and that sometimes I think that all of my strength is not my own but came from my mother.

It’s that last one that I have spent a lot of time with today. I know that the wild and stubborn will of my mother is within me. As is the anxiety and the fear that I am not doing enough. But how do you know that you will have enough endurance to keep going?

When I think about her life and all of the things that she experienced, I wonder if I would also have had that strength? Would I have made it through like she did? Would I have continued to be myself and not fade away into some type of people pleaser? Because if there was one thing my Mom was not, it was a people pleaser!

I can try to wrap it up in sentences, to see if I can make sense of what I am feeling. The reality is I know what I am feeling. Today, when we should have been going somewhere to eat really good Mexican food and drink a margarita, I am instead missing her deeply. I’d like to say “Happy Birthday, Mom” and have her look at me over the top of her glass with that spark of mischief in her eye.

It’s Code Yellow today for the coastal provinces. That means that with the storm that is due, wind on the coast will be up to 90 km per hour but not more. If it were higher, that would move to Code Orange. For those homeviewers on the non-metric system, that’s about 56 MPH winds. While I have enough body mass to not get swept out to sea, there are two small dogs who could find themselves taking off with that kind of windpower.

To make sure we would get enough beach time, we went out earlier this morning while the skies were grey and the wind was okay. Everytime the boys are off leash, they shed years. Although Henry does get many comments from passersby ranging from “Should he still be going out at his age?” – clearly not dog owners – to “Well, that must take a while to get places”. He also gets more of his fair share of “Oh, look at that little cutie.”

He’s more than capable of making the walk and judging by his enthusiasm, he likes it. By the time we reached the 2 kilometer point on the beach, things were getting a little more stormy so I thought we would cross back over the dunes and take the path along the dike (which is built to hold back the water in case it makes through the dunes). It’s an elevated path, with a speedway for bikes and a lane for walkers. There’s a grass strip of about six feet wide between the two asphalt paths which is used for horses.

I thought that using the walker’s side would give them more time to be offleash. I underestimated how much traffic there would be and how much George would either not hear me for real or how often he was practicing selective hearing. George kept crossing over the grass and into the bike paths because it was so much more interesting over there.

After a near miss with two riders – who saw George in plenty of time due to his orange sweater, I decided he was going back on the leash. I figured Henry would continue to follow along with us. Until I noticed that I didn’t hear his little collar music anymore. I turned around to look for him only to discover that at some point, Henry had turned around and was walking back to the beach.

Off we go after him. His hearing is slightly better than George’s but not by much. Once again, we start on the path back to the beachhouse, George on the leash out front and Henry following along. Did I mention that by this time, I really have to pee and there’s nowhere to do this anywhere?

With Henry, I tend to stop every 25 feet or so to make sure he’s within six feet of me. The next time I stop, I see blood on his paw. I pick him up right away and see that quite a bit is coming out. I can’t let him walk on that so under the arm he goes and I tell George that we need to hurry it up. George is happy to hear that and starts up his turbo.

Now you can imagine, I have George pulling on the leash in front of me and Henry tucked under my arm like a baby pig with his leash around my neck so I don’t trip on it. It’s raining and yes, I still have to pee.

The last thing I wanted at that moment was a delay. I knew that GG had gone to town to restock on supplies and I was hoping she remembered not to lock the door as we only have one key. This is also about the time that I discovered that I didn’t have my phone either. With a sprint down the last hill, we crossed the bike highway and made our way to the house. GG was already back so immediately it was triage Henry. He’s okay and now they are both napping in their basket while it rains outside.

And they say that vacations are meant to help you relax. 😉

My best moments and memories of being deeply connected with people who are important to me involve the sea. Given my habit of living near cold water, it’s usually a case of walking by the sea instead of being in it, with a few exceptions like Bonaire.

There’s something about the environment, the waves, the wide open space that brings a sense of freedom and openness. Somewhere that I can either talk about the things I am feeling, challenges I am facing, listening to someone I love or just being in the moment and discovering all of the things that are thrown up on the shore to admire and wonder.

I was walking along the North Sea today with Henry and George, letting the wind clear my head and turn my ever unruly hairstyle into something even wilder, when I started thinking about other walks in the past. I thought back to the first time my mom, Raven and I took a trip to the Pacific coast of Washington state. We spend the weekend at Kalaloch, in the cabins perched up on the bluff.

No one knew really what to expect of that trip. It was the first time the three of us traveled together and we were not really a family unit at that time. Henry and George were quite a bit younger then and still chased balls on the beach. My mom had no patience with slow walkers and wasn’t about to wait for a somewhat surly 9 year old (Raven) and her daughter, who pretty much knew a whole lot about some things and almost nothing about being a parent.

But the beach was our common ground, somewhere where we all felt at peace. I remember that there was a fish that washed up on the shore, still alive but somehow stuck. Raven was fascinated but not going to get to close to it. My mom reached down and picked it up and threw it far back into the water without even hesitating. It needed to be done. Raven was a mix of shocked (because girls didn’t do that kind of brave thing and my mom was still a girl in his category system) and more than a little impressed by her bravery.

My mom, knowing more than a little about being a parent, acted very nonchalantly as if it was something she did everyday, wrestling mysterious creatures from the deep and returning them to their rightful place. Looking back, there are two very clear things in that moment – my mom’s deep love for animals and her sense of taking immediate action.

While I was thinking about that day, I suddenly noticed that I could really hear the waves. They had stopped being background noise and really sounded like proper waves. In case you are wondering, there’s a difference between the waves of the North Sea and those of the Pacific Ocean – namely size and volume. But today, their sound was the same in that moment. I hope that was a sign that all of the invisible signals that connect us to those we love are working properly, even if we don’t always notice them.

We are here until Monday morning and I plan to spend a lot more time walking along the North Sea, listening and being listened to.

I have this small tic. I have a tendency to skip through time (the present) and fast forward. Usually this is also accompanied with overpreparation. Not like I am building a bunker or something but rather that I try to think of every possible scenario and “what if” it. I used to this alot before I would have to give technical presentations. I would make sure that I prepared for every possible random question.

It took me a few years to understand that my peers did not go to this level of preparation. 😉 Knowing that earlier might have saved me some stress. I thought that everyone just really knew their shit and I needed to play catch-up. Well, what they were really good at was acting like their knew their shit. I discovered this when there was a year where I had to cover for three of my peers.

Fast forward and I still get these feelings before meetings. But I know that once I am in the meeting itself, I don’t feel that way anymore at all. Then I feel like I am in the flow and wherever it goes will be just fine. It would be great if I could channel this in the time before the meeting. 😉

Another side effect is that this messes with my sense of time. As in if I do not doublecheck myself, I will show up three days early – sometimes more. This can be a little embarrassing!

I’m waiting on the outcome of a big meeting last week. Needless to say, I am running through all of the scenarios and you know what the absolute worst thing could be? That they say “Yes”. Which is hilarious. GG said to me the other day that I am so used to resistance in the work that I am doing that when there is none, I don’t to know what to do with myself. I hadn’t realized that.

I’ve spent the weekend trying to accept the fact that there just might not be any resistance because holy cannoli, my company might be part of the solution to another’s very big problem! This might take me a while to process. In the meantime, I am trying not to “what if” it.

All these ants in the pants are turning up some very strange dreams. Not surprisingly, there’s a common theme of anxiety and searching. For example, that I am trying to get back to my Mom and I keep get stuck in airports. Waking up from these kind of dreams is both a relief and a disappointment. Disappointment because I feel like if I kept going a little more, I would be able to see her, to talk to her, anything. Relief because the feelings that I am experiencing in the dream are not that pleasant, they are definitely high stress.

What I really need is a good dose of my Mom’s sarcasm, in a reminder not to take myself so seriously!

Biggest news around here is that in the last week Henry and George turned 15 on their respective birthdays. While there was less live music and go-go dancing on these birthdays, they did each manage to open their presents and go to town on their birthday dinners. In between their birthdays, Pickle and Olive turned 2. Cats are not that good at opening birthday presents in comparison to the dogs.

For the winter, there’s definitely a new sweater in Henry’s future. He’s always had less hair then George and now he’s got some balding going on. I tell him often that it makes him look more distinguished. We went on a walk this morning and with the rain, the sweaters needed to go on to try and keep the undercarriage somewhat dry. It’s not really cold enough yet but it’s been raining nearly the whole week.

They are not the only ones who don’t like wearing extra gear. I am also not a fan. I’m commuting via bike daily, despite the rain. Regularly on the ride, I say out loud “See, Mom? I’m learning not to be a sissy!” 😉 It’s like you reach an acceptance point. That no matter how much rain gear you might wear, you’re going to get soaked. So just pedal through. Last Saturday, I got caught in so much rain and hail that my cotton sweater was down to my knees from the weight of the water. Yeah, that was super comfortable to sit in for three hours while I was meeting with someone.

This afternoon I am going to walk 50 feet and listen to the organ concert in the Grote Kerk. I love organ music. It’s the perfect fall music too because it makes me think of haunted houses. That might not precisely be their goal in the church. 😉 I’m going with my 89 year old walking companion in crime. GG was her first choice for concert partner but I am actually the one who likes that kind of music!

In the past week, the rules have changed again to counter a rising number of Covid-19 cases. For example, everything pretty much closes at 9PM now – since no new people can come in after that time. If you want to go out to dinner, make sure you do it before 9PM. Same thing if you want to grab a drink somewhere. My magic hour for going out was leaving the house around 10PM. Well, that’s not working so well anymore. They say it is only for three weeks but I have a feeling it is going to be extended.

We were scheduled to leave on vacation this morning. As you can imagine, that didn’t happen. We’re not going to reschedule for a third time, we’ll just skip it this year. Which suits me fine anyway because we all know how much I struggle with vacation. 🙂

I’m hoping that you are healthy!