No,it’s not some kind of deranged form of golf, it actually is the Dutch word for heatwave. I suppose it started yesterday and it is planned through the weekend. It is not unpleasant. However, you do work up a sweat on the bike and it makes me reluctant to greet people with the Left Right Left kisses when everyone is sweaty. I hope that the uptick in temperature will finally set my zucchini plants to blooming. So far, they are growing up and out but not blooming.

The warm weather is bringing out the weirds. Yesterday, while I was busy cooking their sweet potato pieces for their dinner over a hot gas stove in the heat, George decides that he’s not going to wait and proceeds to get his bag of dry dog food out and spill it across the floor so he and his brother can have a kibble party. Of course, George should have been named Eureka for the speed at which he inhales, I mean eats. In the midst of turning to get as much food off the floor as possible, I splashed a lot of boiling water down my leg. So now I am also trying not to yell “Shit. Shit. Shit” because it hurts and not spill water on the dogs or anymore on myself and still try to salvage some of the spilled dog food. Of course, the day started with George peeing on the laundry basket twice even after he had been outside. As Eliza puts it “George is in disgrace”.

To be fair to my wretched little George, I think he knows something is up and it is making him uncertain. Or perhaps that’s just my wishful thinking. As I sit here typing this to you, Henry has his head inside a folded fleece blanket, rest of his body sticking out and George is curled up on top of another fleece blanket. And it is probably 85 degrees. I think Henry is hiding himself from the disgrace label.

Monday it is off to Atlanta for the week and then on to Seattle. It will be strange to be gone from home for two weeks. I will be without my favorite mode of transportation. My banjo playing will definitely suffer. I will miss the pets. Yes, really. I will miss my Nespresso and small cups of coffee rather than tall drinks. I will miss fresh bread and going grocery shopping every other day or so.

What will I look forward to? Seeing friends, eating pizza, having really good Mexican or Southwest food, getting pedicures (the Dutch look at as mostly a medical procedure for diabetics so you can imagine it is not very relaxing), climbing hills and being above sea level.

See you soon 🙂

Not as in the final frontier but as in that bubble we call our own personal. Like most people, I get uncomfortable if I feel like someone is a close talker or otherwise just too nearby when in social settings. I think I read somewhere that Americans in general have the largest personal space expectations. Kind of fitting when you think about how large we are as a nation – in everything from distance to food portions and our number of big butts. I think I have always been a very good “space reader” knowing how far away to stand from someone and how to minimize the personal space infringement.

Last night, I sat on a bench next to someone while we talked and ate. At first, it was very disconcerting to not be sitting across the table but rather directly next to someone. After awhile, when neither of us got our eyes poked out or other disastrous happenings from being too close, I settled down and realized that sitting next to someone on a bench was the most powerful physical sensation of friendship that I had ever experienced. It was a change of perspective. Normally, when you sit across from someone, there’s a give and take but you are both looking at things from your viewpoint. But when you are sitting next to each other, you are facing the same direction and it is that moment that you feel like it is the two of you against the world. I was still thinking about it this morning when I was riding through the woods to work.

The Dutch custom when you greet each is other is three kisses. To help you, it is left, right, left. Meaning you go left first. And hopefully the other person is also going left, otherwise concussions can result. For most part, I buy into this practice. This is a little different from what I am used to since I normally prefer to greet people I am close to with strong hugs. But I recognize that’s a bit much for a small country like this so I fall in with the Left Right Left method. However, just like the Dutch language with it’s uitzonderings (exceptions) I have one. Marianne doesn’t mind my habit of American hugs and I am grateful for that. I think if I didn’t have someone I could give a big hug to every now and again, I would probably have to go join the Hare Krishnas and get my hugs out that way. Of course, that would also include buying into the fashion style, giving up my banjo for the drum and wearing patchouli. I don’t think I can do that.

Over the weekend, I went to a coworker’s anniversary/birthday/daughter’s birthday/it is summer party in one of the old, old houses out in the country that you can now rent out. I went with one of my coworkers, the other Caroline on my team. It is so odd to live somewhere that your first name is really common. I have never experienced this. Last name, oh yeah! Here is the exact opposite, my first name is very common and my last is not. It was a big party, I think easily 100 people. After that, I caught the last few minutes of the Brazil – Netherlands match.

Sunday afternoon, I was back in Utrecht to hang out with my non profit group. In two hours, we had a really excellent vegan lunch and I had them set up with an action plan for expanding their group and their capacity. I have to say, I really get a charge out of empowering people. I like to think I encourage them instead of direct them. They are a lovely family and I really want to see them succeed in their quest. But they need to toughen up their thinking and I think I managed to help them see how and why.

A week from today I am off to Atlanta. So, if you want something from the Netherlands, be sure to get your request in before I leave I:) Schiphol is an amazing airport but they don’t carry everything. I think it will be strange to be without a bike for two weeks.

or as they say here “normaal” with an extra a pronounced so you really get the emphasis. Yesterday, it rained and rained and today it was more than 80 degrees and sunny. And today all the orange bunting, flags and soccer balls are nowhere to be seen. Eliza and I watched the game around the corner at the Vliegertje. Eliza is a bit of a sports statistics freak – her complaint that unlike cricket the stats available in football (soccer) are not readily collected and so you are missing half the point of the game. I just watch because it is fun.

Yesterday afternoon I got to hear the memories of Marianne’s father and the way he touched their lives and his expressions. I spent most of the service trying not to cry and not succeeding. I felt very much like a sponge. But I examined afterwards on the ride home and it wasn’t grief about my mom but rather the awareness of what grief feels like and how it would affect their entire family. Perhaps the way to say it is that I was grieving for them.

In thinking about it, it also helped me let go of a “should”. As in “you should hold yourself together to be supportive for others”. But in reality, that has nothing to do with the empathy and support you can give someone. I know that grief is intensely personal and I don’t know all of the ways my friend will struggle with it. But I do know that I will be able to meet her where she is at and just being there instead of thinking about how I should be supporting.

On the way back yesterday, I passed a field where there were some young cows. In the pouring rain, two of them were head to head trying to push each other around. For some reason, it really reminded me of my twin brothers. Living here, I get a lot of opportunity to see cows. If you have never seen a cow run, it is fun to watch. Especially when they are together. I am always surprised that they can get that much weight up into the air. And some of the sheep have had their first shearing of the year so they are suddenly looking much slimmer. I like living in the city but there is enough of me that finds the idea of a small farm so appealing. It is on my list of things to do this year to find out what a cow smells like up close. I wonder if they smell like horses or have their own special cow fragrance?

Going to bed early tonight, kind of worn out. The dogs are super happy to hear that.

Last night, I went to the wedding reception of a coworker. He’s Dutch and she’s Brazilian so they had a very lively reception. Complete with three showgirls, an MC and a limbo contest. Picture if you will: a room full of tall Dutch people trying to do the Brazilian version of the electric slide crossed with the mambo. Oh, yes, I was taking part as well. I have strengths, coordination with dance moves are not one of them. But it didn’t stop me from blundering around the dance floor, trying to follow along and avoid the less coordinated people nearby. Yes, there were even less coordinated people than me.

All in all, it was a very nice evening. I am glad I went because as I have learned, if someone invites you to something in the Netherlands, they have thought about it and it should be taken seriously. It was in the tiny village of Echteld. I stayed overnight at the inn that has been there since 17 something. Fell asleep in a tiny room under the eaves with the windows open and woke up to rain pouring in. And after a nice breakfast, it was back to Amsterdam and off to work.

In sharp contrast to the lovely weather yesterday, it has been raining all day. Riding to my banjo lesson required raingear. I changed it to today because tomorrow is the funeral for Marianne’s father. I hope that tomorrow goes as well as it can for the family. At any rate, I will be there to lend all the support I can.

Tonight will be the Brazil-Germany match at 10pm. I will be watching it from the couch with the boys. Henry is not that into it but George really likes to watch the matches because he bets his allowance on matches. He’s hoping to win enough to go on an Agility Camp for small mixed breed dogs for two weeks – complete with all you can eat meal service and campfire songs.

The gardens of Frankendael are lovely. However, I know that my mom would have been wandering through them and been unable to resist the urge to trim back some of the topiary and rearrange a few pots. At a minimum!

After a very warm and sunny afternoon, it became quite cloudy and we went back and forth between the appetizer, main course and dessert between the terrace and the restaurant and back out again. For dessert, we were smart and made our way under an umbrella. Which proved very handy since it began to rain for the third time.

At approximately 11pm, suddenly fireworks went off in the neighborhood around the park. They weren’t from me. I think everyone at the table got goose bumps. Given that the fireworks in Seattle used to start about that time, I felt like Mom was nearby.

Just before midnight, we went out front to the drive where the carriages used to come up. We lit the sparklers in memory of Marianne’s father who has just passed, my mom, Sjoerd and Joanne’s father, Marieke’s mother and for our omas and opas who have gone before us. I have to say it was that it was a very peaceful and celebratory moment. It was the perfect way to end the evening.

I am still somewhat verklemmt today. That’s just such a great word. Someone told me that the more you love someone, the greater the grief. Like there’s a nice mathematical equation. I think that’s true. Underneath the grief and the loss is tremendous love for that person and also from that person. And sometimes that is really hard to find and hold on to, especially in the beginning. But it is there and when we can make room for it again, it reappears as if it had never been missing. That is something I am trying to work through now, to recognize and honor how much my mom loved me and I her. To feel it. And it’s coming, one sparkler at a time. I wish that for everyone.

To my mom. As you might remember, the 4th of July was her chosen birthday. She would have been 74 this year on 07/04. And while I don’t the fireworks over Lake Union to share with her, I did find some sparklers and we’ll be setting them off tonight. Hopefully, in front of the fountain at Frankendael but that depends a lot on how flexible they are and if I am willing to do something first and apologize afterwards. I did get the biggest sparklers allowed.

I remember the first 4th of July that my mom and I shared in Seattle. It was the day she arrived from suburban Washington DC. Ninja, our Akita, had come in as checked baggage and so had Marky, our last bunny of that time. Ninja had the XXX Large kennel, which I don’t think they make anymore. It took 4 baggage handlers to push him out the claiming area door. I wasn’t working on the ramp yet then, I was still working customer service and lost luggage of all places. We were so relieved that the pets arrived okay and even more so that my mom had. For us, it really was a whole turning point. I had left Washington DC a year earlier. I know that the Pacific Northwest gave my mom a chance to heal and do her own thing rather worry about conforming – which she was never very good at anyway!

I have been here now 8 months. I still grieve. Coming here has helped me tremendously. In part to have the memories of my mom as she was in all her feisty self come to the front instead of the memories of when she was sick. Hearing the people use the expressions that she used, learning to stop for a small coffee instead of using a drive through or taking it to go, riding the bike, talking to anyone who will listen, eating Indonesian food, talking to her at Marum – all of these things have helped me make it through the images I never thought I would get out of my head.

I miss her and the grief is still right there. It is not a coincidence that I am crying as I type. But I think my mom would have been amazed that I could be making progress towards just being in the moment. Of course, she wouldn’t remark on it – that wouldn’t be her way. She would just tell me that I was getting old and turning into some kind of cranky old lady. I miss that too, her wicked willingness to say the most unacceptable things. And her love of getting me in trouble while she portrayed the innocent senior citizen.

Tonight I will celebrate her again. And break some rules in her honor. Right now, I am going to do something else my mom always advocated for – even while she was complaining about being a dog’s body. I am going to take a nap on the sofa with the dogs.

One last thing. We never have people in our lives long enough. I don’t think that is ever a right time for someone to pass away. What I do is that what is most important is that they know they were loved, over and over again. And that they have the freedom to go in peace, with their dignity, surrounded by the love people have for them. That’s something I hope for everyone.

Today I learned a pretty important lesson about listening to my instincts. From the time I got up, I was going back and forth with how I was going to get to work today. Instead of making the down the hallway commute, I planned to go into the office. I kept looking outside and at my rain app on my phone. I made the choice to go by bike. But an inner voice kept saying “Drive”. Even after I left the house and was cycling through the park, I had another decision moment and turned off to keep cycling instead of turning off to the parking garage.

Not ten minutes later, as I was cycling past the university, it started coming down. And not gentle rain either but full on sideways rain. I pulled over under a tree and decided to wait 5 minutes or so because surely the weather would change. I was thinking to myself how smart I was to stop riding in the rain and just wait it out –  that this model of thinking represented how I was learning the European way. Five minutes turned to ten and I kept myself busy by moving the gift I had for a colleague out of the basket and into my bike bag so it wouldn’t get ruined.  This was kind of the whole point of going into the office today – someone we have had working with our team on a contract is going to a new job and I had a small gift for her of Tout macaroons and a copy (in Dutch) of “Lean In”. Always useful for a young woman at the start of her next career step.

After ten minutes, it seemed like the rain was only getting worse. So, back into the magic bike bag and out comes my great new orange rain cape, complete with reflective piping. I proceed to cover myself with this fashionable garment and figure it will keep me dry enough to cycle to the parking garage and I will just drive from there. Well, that was a good idea in theory. And it kept me dryer than I would have been but I still ended up with my jeans from the knee down being totally soaked. And halfway through, the hood stopped working due to the wind.

By the time I got to the parking garage, whatever attempt I had made this morning to look presentable was lost. I locked up my bike and climbed into Astrid, cringing at the thought of getting all that water in the car. And off I went to Schiphol. Well, approximately two miles from the exit I realized that I had left the gift for Azaliya in my bike bag. So, off at the next exit, turn around, back to the parking garage, back to the bike, get the gift, back to the car and then it was time to try going to work again. Third time was the charm, I finally made it into the office, still looking like I had just stepped out of the washing machine.  I wish we had those high tech hand dryers in the office. I would have loved to have put my jeans in there. Denim takes a long time to dry, so the whole day it was squish squish much to the amusement of my coworkers.

The office was pretty empty today. I think lots of people were still recovering from the game last night. 2-1 at the very last minute, Oranje will be going to the quarter finals. I watched the game at home. When I took the dogs for a walk after, I could still hear the fans on Museumplein – all 45,000 of them. Saturday is the next match for the Dutch so I have a week to make sure my orange paraphernalia is ready. Hup Holland Hup!

The Viva Las Vegas vegetarian festival yesterday was quite nice. Small but with some interesting stalls. And I had a fabulous vegan burger which had such a great Southwest flavor. I have been craving that flavor because it is hard to get here. I did not find anyone selling vegan fertilizer but supposedly there is a store in Amsterdam that is the equivalent of an organic style Home Depot. But no one can remember the name so I will keep looking. It seems that The Hague has a huge proportion of veg/vegan grocery stores and snackbars. I find this intriguing.

I made the decision today to take some time off in August. The Move Goddess and Rupert and Meredith are coming to stay at different times during the month. And rather than restricting myself to just going out on the weekends, I decided to take a whole whopping 9 days off over that three week period. That still leaves me with 11 vacation days to take for the rest of the year since I have used up approximately a week earlier in the year with day at a time. I tell you, having five weeks a year is a little overwhelming. I really don’t know what to do with myself. Every time someone asks me what my vacation plans are, I start stuttering.

I am still on the lookout for sparklers for Mom’s chosen birthday on Friday. I think I might have to go try some of the dodgy coffeshops/headshops. Surely someone has sparklers.

If you combine those three things like I did today, you end up with some very elementary but functional trellises. I am not entirely convinced that hemp twine is strong enough to support zucchini plants but I remember reading that one of the advantages of hemp is its strength. We’ll see how this works. The peas are already turning towards the lattice. I think it is so smart how they find something to climb,within 20 minutes of you putting something nearby. They turn toward it with their grabbers. I know grabbers is not the proper name for the part of the plant but it fits.

I took out two of the zucchini plants today to give to someone, I am not sure they are going to make it. They are looking kind of sad and droopy. I hope they recover. I hate having to thin out plants. But I am working with one square meter of space and even though I will be training as many plants to grow up instead of out, I still had too many zucchini plants. All ten seeds sprouted and grew. Technically, they are Courgette de Nice. And you are supposed to pick them when they are the size of a golf ball. They are a striped green. I am looking forward to seeing what happens.

The rocket or arugula is probably a couple of days away for being ready for the first salad. I love rocket. Sometimes when I run out of romaine for the boys’ dinner, I try to substitute arugula. However, they are particular about their greens and do not care for arugula. They do love avocado. Even Moortje likes it. I draw the line at coffee though. I am not about to start serving Henry and George morning cups of coffee.

We had a nice nap today and then went for a long walk in the park. They were on their best behavior today, not barking at any of the other dogs, not trying to get into the swan pond. George even brought me a spare rib bone that he found instead of trying to gulp it down secretly. I did have a momentary concern when Henry got a little too close to the edge of the canal to keep an eye on all the pleasure boats that were motoring by. However, he didn’t fall in. And if he had, I just would have gone in after him.

Yesterday, I was riding back from the parking garage and noticed a woman walking down the sidewalk. Her dress was made of some kind of synthetic flowery material. She was carrying a backpack and clearly leaving the office. Well, somewhere along her walk, the laws of static electricity came into play and the entire back of her dress was tucked up under backpack. Fortunately, she was wearing a bright white slip underneath. People passed her and no one said anything. At first it almost looked a style of dress. Then at the crosswalk, she dislodged her backpack and eventually her dress covered her bottom again. You can be certain that I will make sure to look at the fabric of dresses that I wear very carefully and I will remember not to mix synthetic with a backpack!

Tomorrow, it’s over to the Viva Las Vegas vegetarian expo. I am hoping to track down some vegan fertilizer for the veggies. I’d rather not sprinkle blood and feathers on my garden. Manure no problem, slaughterhouse by products not so much. Of course, tomorrow evening it is another match. So along with most of the rest of the country, from 6PM Dutch time, I’ll be glued to Nederland 1 on the TV.

beyond gorgeous really. But you can see that for yourself.

In English, her paint color is “Edwardian Grey”. In Dutch it is “Advocaat Grijs” or literally Lawyer Grey. I wanted to keep driving for hours but I had a one o’clock meeting with my manager and so I went to the office. I am ready to throw the dogs in the car, some clean clothes and head for vacation. 10 dollar a gallon gas be damned! But tomorrow I have a full day meeting with three of my coworkers so I carefully drove her back to the parking garage.

Robert took me out to lunch by the river in Haarlem before he gave me back the keys. I guess considering that he’s been working on my car for almost a month and we’ve had many conversations, lunch was a normal next step. We ate at what used to be an old ship building yard.

I went by Patisserie Tout today. I needed to get macaroons as a goodbye gift for someone in my group at work. And I am also giving her a copy of “Lean In”. She’s been helping us with a project and her contract is up since it is the end of our year. We have had a lot of good conversations.She’s taking a job in the Bahamas and everyone thinks she’s nuts. Except me. I think she will be great at it. Unfortunately, Ramadan starts Monday so I should give her the macaroons before then. Tout is a very, very delicious patisserie. I like to give gifts from there. It is kind of like buying cheese from the farmer’s market to give as a gift, I get a thrill from it.

I just heard one of my neighbors say to her child “Zeg ben je helemaal betoeterd?” It is from a children’s song apparently. I remember my mom saying it to us. It roughly translates to “Now have you gone completely out of your mind?” I catch myself saying this to the dogs sometimes. But it is not rude. If you really want to be rude to someone in Dutch, you use a disease as an adjective to describe them or you wish it on them.

We picked up our prescriptions today. I took the dogs with me since we use the same pharmacy. I don’t have to pay for mine. But George had to pay for his. However, he forget his debit card so I ended up paying for it as usual. It is pretty handy that we can use the same pharmacy. I wonder if we can also use the same dentist? That’s the next thing I need to experience. It works the same way as the doctor, you go to one in the neighborhood. Our vet was in the paper this week for his 40 years of work with animals. He still works one day a week at the zoo. I think I am probably sharing all these little random details with you so that I can feel like you are in my neighborhood.

I am bringing cake tomorrow to the offsite meeting. Because to face a whole day of planning, you should have strong coffee and good pastry. Also from Tout. And I chose four small things since everyone has different taste. One coworker is gluten free, one hates cheese, the other eats everything and then there’s me. Also so we can celebrate the year coming to a close.

Next week is the 4th of July already. Also known as Mom’s chosen birthday. I think I will be eating dinner outside on the terrace at Frankendael’s Merkelbach in her honor. I don’t think there will be fireworks so I will have to see about getting some sparklers to set off in her honor. They probably don’t want you doing that at the table but I will figure something out.

Tomorrow, I will be going on a first date of sorts. Not a blind date because I know who she is. But a first one. I am picking up Astrid tomorrow. I got the call yesterday when I was on the train coming back from Groningen that she was headed to the detailer and she’d be ready to go soon. Robert told me I wouldn’t recognize her. I am excited to have my Astrid back. I can’t wait to see how she looks now, given the nearly month’s worth of work that has gone into her. After 18 years, I guess it was time for a little makeover. I do wish I hadn’t donated all my cassette tapes since her radio works again.

I took the day off work yesterday to go up to Groningen. I walked around a lot and went to the Groninger Museum – my museumkaart works there too! I think it is a really charming city. My Opa was born in Groningen but that’s not what draws me there. The School of Law is there. Well, one of them. I suppose it caught my eye because as I was wandering the cobblestoned streets, the richness of the architecture was giving me tourist-it is. You know, the condition where you are so busy looking up at everything, you wander into oncoming bicycles, you get a sunburn in the shape of your smartphone camera on your face, etc. I had lunch with a friend that I met when I went up to Bad Nieuwschans. The weather turned rainy and I needed to get home to feed the wild ones so I wasn’t able to enjoy any of the terraces.

When I was coming back from my banjo lesson today, I met a lady in the park. It was very interesting, she reminded me a lot of our family’s friend, Lynn Marie. But Lynn-Marie crossed with my mother. She was even wearing a long knit sweater jacket which looked like something my mom would have spent hours picking out the perfect yarn for. And she had hair like my mom’s. And then her eyes reminded me of Lynn-Marie’s. I had been thinking about my mom a lot today, since I had to go to the doctor and they want to know some history. My mom loved Lynn-Marie and she helped me care for Mom. Sometimes I see women that remind me of my mom and I have to work hard to control the urge to run up to them and try to give them a hug. Not ever being able to hug someone again is a pretty grim truth.

It seems that Sunday night will be the Netherlands vs. Mexico. I imagine it will be a good match. I haven’t decided if I watch it from home or if I will try to go somewhere. Probably from home since the Viva Las Vegas vegetarian festival is that day and that will have been quite enough social stimulation!

Going to the doctor was interesting. First of all, people only go when they have a complaint, there’s no concept of a yearly checkup. Instead, according to your age, you are registered for the appropriate screenings for mammograms, etc. But everyone gets one, it is all scheduled through the department of health (or equivalent) that does it. And you don’t pay for it with a copay nor does it matter what kind of insurance you have, etc. I like this idea. Everyone’s health is of value so everyone should get the same screenings, not whether or not you can afford to have a screening. My doctor is on the corner. You go to a neighborhood doctor. Also a plus. They already know me because I get George’s anti-seizure pills there. I still didn’t like being in the office though.

Speaking of George, it’s time to take the dynamic duo for their evening walk…