This morning, I took my last exam in the last course that I needed. It was a four hour exam and somewhere during the half way mark the upstairs neighbor started playing his music really loudly and I wanted to give up. Instead, I took another deep whiff of lavender oil, turned up the volume on the headphones another notch and went back into the world of algorithims and Python.

Thankfully, I passed. Afterwords, I required a 30 minute eyes closed session with canine colleagues nearby to recuperate from the brain drain! I am going to take myself out to lunch shortly. The weather is beautiful and I want to sit somewhere with a book on a completely different subject!

Wishing you a good weekend!

I’ve just spent the past two hours building a machine learning model for one of the modules I desperately need to finish by the end of next week. I find that I quite like building them. In my imagination, it’s like operating really heavy machinery and making things work. Only this time, there’s no enormous diesel engine but rather massive amounts of cloud computing power.

It’s just as well that I find this stuff interesting because I have to finish three more classes on it by next Friday. Then in July, it’s the month of the final project. I am doing that one too and will be coaching the academy through it so it’s not quite good-bye to those amazing women yet. They are already flying though, highly sought after. One of the ones who struggles the most with confidence told me when she left this week that her family could see the change in her, how much more confident she was and how she carried herself. Interesting to think that learning data science can do that for you 😉

Raven has been in my thoughts alot as well. I see shades of him everywhere, in serious 8 year old boys on their way to school in the tram to the awkward teenagers that carry themselves with a much bigger attitude than they have. I make eye contact deliberately. I choose to see them and to think about my son.

Also with all of the back and forth regarding the (un)employment status,  there are plenty of emotions to deal with. I range back and forth, like one does with any other loss. On one hand, I am busy with my future now which is liberating and exciting to think about. On the other hand, my feelings are hurt and I am angry that out of all of my colleagues, no one discusses the subject nor asks me how I am feeling about it. It’s like a social leprosy.

Then again, that’s also another checkbox marked on the list of “100 Reasons to be Grateful that I am Leaving”. 🙂

Hi Raven,

Today is your 18th birthday. I woke up with a heavy heart and imagine that I will carry that with me.

We had a lot of plans for your 18th birthday. For starters, it would have been the day of the long awaited 10 espresso shot latte with vanilla, caramel and chocolate syrups, topped with an enormous amount of whipped cream. This was your dream coffee and it was the first thing you were going to order when you turned 18, financed by your mom. We used to have many conversations about this coffee and why coffee for kids was not really the right choice. My coffee was always safe from you, since I don’t add anything to it but you loved the smell. I know you would have been safe from me wanting any of your dream coffee.

You asked me if for your 18th birthday, you could be adopted. And if I would still be willing to do so, even though you wouldn’t be a kid anymore. I remember saying something appropiately immature like “Of course, DUH”. You told me that you thought that would probably be the best gift someone could have on their birthday. We talked about how we would make that work.

It’s something I have been thinking about most of this week. If things had been different, today we would have been meeting somewhere with a fancy pants lawyer who was willing to meet with us on a Sunday and start the paper work process. We would have been impatiently waiting for a hearing date to be in front of a judge to say “Yes, Your Honor, we are 100% sure we want to be (legally) family forever.” We would have been applying for a passport for you and most of all, we would have been so happy to know that only you could decide for yourself where you would live, there would never be another social worker making that choice or panel that only knew you as a case file.

Two years ago, after your death, I added you to my official family tree. I felt that you needed to be there, you are part of my family. So, you can’t be forgotten and you won’t disappear.

I had so many dreams for you, Raven. You know that we believed so much in you, what you could do and what you would do. Now it’s a matter of taking those dreams I had for you and reshaping them to have impact on your behalf. Honoring your place in my life and my heart by keeping you near.

I have the same feeling about you that I do about my Mom. That there will be a moment where you will come walking through the door, full of stories about where you have been and what you have been doing, as if you have never been gone.

When I met you, when you had just turned 8, I had no idea what role we would play in each other’s lives. I did know that the first time I saw you, I literally felt like someone had kicked me in the chest. I guess that’s how you know it’s love. You love your child from the moment you see them, forever.

I love you, Raven.

Your Mom

GG sent me this picture this morning after our discussion that while I might be getting enough hours of sleep, the quality leaves something to be desired. This is due to the exceptionally vivid and intense dreams that I am having. Normally I wake up a few times in the night (Fitbit tells me this) so the dreams I have a interupted. For the past few weeks, I have been sleeping through the night. This is good on one hand but it also means that now I have dreams that are the length of three full acts. And they have some very common themes!

With so many changes happening right now or about to happen, I feel like I am not making any progress in any direction. Note that I said “feel” because I know logically that isn’t true. I think that the fact that all of these changes carry at least two emotions, it is like I am one of those giant sodas (or Slurpee) from 7-11 where you would mix all the flavors together. It would come out with a strange color and a  flavor tasting of not much other than sweet.

For example, on Thursday, in the morning I met with the lawyers about the ending of my employment contract. They gave me some things to consider, that I would not have thought about. I would say that it was a positive meeting, even if most people would have gone there with the intention of fighting to keep their employment. In the afternoon, the lawyer for all the other stuff was very low key and serious. However, she did not tell me “No, that’s not possible” and she gave us the structure and organizational plan for the new business and the foundation. Going back to the car, I was super hyper because I felt like things are really moving forward. They are.

On the other side, there’s the news that we won’t be able to move until the end of September. Ugh. Which stretches the time out longer that I will feel like I am in limbo. Plus the whole visa question. Plus the house in Seattle. All first world problems, I know. I want to make the best choices.

Last night, Marianne celebrated her birthday at Cafe Lennep which is located right on one of the canals. The weather was fantastic… how does she make that happen? 😉 On the bike to and from reminded me again of what a beautiful city this is. While we were there, we met some of her colleagues and the conversations were deeply interesting. It was a great way to start her new year!

Tomorrow, it is back to statistics, data science and banjo. Hah, in that order as well if I look at my calendar.

We survived the island of Terschelling. Or perhaps I should say it survived us. It was a birthday that somehow fit me very well. From the hurried scramble and swearing in traffic to get to Harlingen for the last fast ferry on time, to GG telling me at the bicycle rental that she should take the bike with the dog trailer due to the fact that she was a much more experienced cyclist to arriving at the vacation villa (that’s what they call them) at the end of a 15 km bike ride to find out that they had given us one that did not allow pets. This was only on Friday night 😉

Saturday, we had perfectly overcast weather which made it ideal to walk the beach and try out the water. Well, at least George and I did. GG and Henry are not cold water types so they stayed safely out of the wave’s reach. If I remember correctly, I think I was chill for about an hour, due to the combination of wind and salt.

On my Sunday, the weather was sunny and bright. Perfect birthday weather if you are not a grouch like I am 😉 Birthday cake for breakfast and then off to the another part of the island. As evidenced, this was much more to someone’s liking:

I feel like Henry should come with a label that says “Resistance is futile, you cannot avoid being charmed by me!” Sunday, we all caught a sunburn. The combination of the all the fresh air, the wind, the sea, the bicycling everywhere were really good for inducing sleep. At night, it’s very dark there and positively still. Which I liked alot. I would go back, but in the fall.

On Monday, we loaded the bikes back up to head back to the harbour. This time, things did not go smoothly. Somewhere right outside of the vacation park, George decided he absolutely did not want to be riding in the dog trailer and damnit, he would find a way to get out. The 15km ride took two hours because we had to keep stopping to figure out ways to convince George to leash his inner Cujo. He was so determined to get out, he kept throwing himself against the side of the doggy trailer until he put a hole in the screen that he could then get his teeth into and tear through until he had a big enough opening to hang his body out of. While this is going on, Henry has also had enough and proceeds to bark at the top of his lungs the whole way through. Every village received the message that we were passing through, without a doubt.

I was rather at my wit’s end when we reached the harbour. I was so mad at George that he tried to ignore me for the rest of the day because he knew he was not in good graces. At the bike rental, they were very nice when I talked to them about the damage and they suggested next time that we use the bike basket instead of the trailer type. They did give us our deposit back because another dog previous to us had eaten the top so they didn’t feel like they could charge us and not them. Which is lucky for George because he doesn’t get that much allowance!

Of course, here he is on the way home, while I am getting gas. Looks like the very picture of well behaved dog, doesn’t he? 😉

Tomorrow it’s a lawyer day. In the morning to the lawyer about the ending of my employment, to make sure everything is covered from a contractual piece. In the afternoon, to the lawyer for the paperwork for the new house and the future business. I am excited!

OH— I passed my Dutch as a second language exams!!!!! Not by much, but I passed all four exams at Level 2 all the same!!!!

So, the meeting this morning was what it promised to be. As of the first of June my job is finished. There were several pages of paper printed out and stapled together, in heavy duty Dutch. I wonder if this where they get sample texts for the language exams that I took? 😉

I am surprisingly okay. It could have been the Sabaton I was listening to on the bus or the double dose of lavender oil under my nose or it could have been the awareness that it was actually a relief, to have it finally spoken out loud.

Either way, I maintained my composure and offered feedback about future versions of this program. And dodged the questions about I would do next 😉 My inner juvenile delinquent was secretly saying “That’s for me to know and you to find out, sucka!” HA. Just reading that sentence makes me laugh.

Poor GG. I was up at 6AM because I couldn’t sleep any longer and it was not one of those mornings where I sneak about quietly and try not to make any noise. Oh no, it was 25K volts of energy and noise making. I made George look calm 😉

This afternoon, I am working on my own certification track so I can catch up with my students.

As my mom would say “Have a Day”. 😉

I’m looking out at the field where Ajax plays during the year in the Johan Cruijf Arena (what was formerly known as the Amsterdam Arena). Today, while I was at lunch, my manager called me. I called her back afterwards, since I was having lunch with someone from our big competitor with regards to the topic of partnering together to create some cool skills programs.

When I called my manager back, I got the news that tomorrow morning I have to be in the office at 9AM to meet with her and the representative from HR. So, it looks like the job is coming to an end. To be fair, I knew that one year ago when I took this role, it wasn’t on the organizational chart and could end up not being held into the future.

Looks like that has come true. Afterwards, I will just head here and go back to work with the data science students. We don’t have another coach tomorrow so even if they didn’t need me, I need them 😉 Watching them grow more and more confident with the skills they are working so hard for is an incredible privilege and a reminder of all the things that are still possible, for me and for them.

It’s not the best timing, of course. But big changes and chances rarely subject themselves to a timetable. 😉

Yesterday afternoon, our long suffering and always up for adventure real estate agent, Sabine, came by with a bottle of champagne and the purchase contract to sign for the new house. Yes, it not only was in paper form, it also had to come via snail mail. I guess that’s an improvement over coming by horse or pigeon, as I have been reminded over the past few days.

Using the legally acceptable blue pen, the same one for both parties, we signed our way through 15 pages of intial here, initial there. We are officially now in the 3 day window for changing your mind, which should just about cover the time it takes to get the 40 miles south by mail that is needed to return the contract. 😉

Now we have to get a mortgage. Here’s where I let GG step in and do all the communication with regards to this topic. When I view all of the rules, the what-ifs and the fact that everything is on paper, I lose my patience. Even more so when someone thinks they can give us some “fatherly” advice because you know, what would two grown ass women know about their own finances? 😉

In turn, today the Seattle house went on the market, complete with a dashboard for the homeviewers. We’ll see how long it takes to sell.

I think a good word to describe how I feel right now is distant, or maybe better yet observant. I feel a bit like I am watching my life and myself from elsewhere, rather like a scientific observer looking into an antfarm. There are so many choices to make right now, which is a luxury. At the same time, I can tell by the intensity of my dreams lately, I am not quite as neutral about it all as I play on TV. 😉

We’re in week 5 now of the data science academy for women. The positive news is I have gotten them all through the horror of T-SQL and now they are discovering the joys of Python. As for me, I finally finished the T-SQL course today since I am far behind their progress. Note to self, next time don’t try to learn the technical content at the same time that you are coaching 24 😉

I don’t mind saying that last night I went to bed at 1130PM and when I tried to read a little more of Simon Sinek, I made it through 5 pages before it was shutdown the brain time. It has been one of those weeks. Taking two days of exams to prove that I have mastered Dutch as a Second Language on Wednesday and Thursday was definitely a push past normal. It was also one of those weeks that I scheduled way too much.

This morning, I was up before the dogs and electronically signing the documents to put the house on the market in Seattle. All 175 radio buttons have been selected and now the fun begins! Next week they will stage it and take photos and on the market it goes. On this side of the water, GG went with the building inspector on Thursday to run through our house to be. I was busy taking an exam so I missed out on their adventure. No major concerns for a house that was built in 1860. The next steps are for us to sign the intention to buy and after three days of thinking time, it goes into effect. Whoop whoop!

We’ll know next month whether we will move in July or September. It depends on when the window frames will be delivered for the sellers’ new house. They are renovating two cities over and if the frames are delivered before July, we move earlier. With the true Dutch love of order, vacations for all work related to construction take place in overlapping three week intervals starting on 1 July.

In other news this week, there’s a good chance that I will be looking for something new soon. It appears that it is not looking good at all for my role to be held over into the next fiscal year per my manager. I knew a year ago when I took this role that there was a danger of not being on the “blueprint” as they call it. I wanted the experience so I decided to go for it, of course 😉 It seems that once again, I am doing everything at once with regards to making changes!

On one hand, it feels a little weird and disappointing – knowing that it is about the role not being continued seems to me like giving up on the impact we could make. On the other hand, I know that it is the best possible way to launch into something new. I imagine that I will probably cycle back and forth between the two points for a while. I will know more in about 3 weeks. However, the fact that it is already being mentioned is a pretty good indicator that the decision has been made 😉