Or perhaps I should say winding up? Tomorrow it is back to the office after three weeks of (mostly) being away. This has been a really busy vacation period. Between Hungary, Chicago, the sod, Moortje, the family events and lots of things in between, I feel like I could use a week off to recover.

Chicago was something else! It was four days packed full of Big. This is appropriate considering I believe one of the nicknames is “The City of Big Shoulders”. There was, of course, the whole family meeting GG thing. Which then quickly turned into letting GG see we all interact with each other. And she got to see the full range 😉

There were a great deal of moments in Chicago that represented new. Boundaries were pushed and I think we grew closer as a family for it. I did wonder what my mom would have thought of the whole thing and I missed her even more so while we there.

We landed back in the Netherlands on Wednesday and I went to my banjo lesson that afternoon. I was holding my own until I had to learn a third new chord (D minor) and Paul remarked that he doubted I had understood anything he had just said. Oops! He was right because I am sitting here right now trying to remember the chord and it’s a blank screen.

Thursday we went to pick up Moortje’s ashes. This was pretty emotional and there were other people there who were also going through the same thing. It is really difficult to know what to say in those moments because you all know why the others are there. I seem to cry along with them.

After picking up his urn, I needed to do something productive so it was off to the garden store for three hours in the 89 degree heat. I finished the planting yesterday and this is what the garden looks like now. In the big pot, there are about 30 bulbs that will come up in the spring. I’ve also got another one in the shade that is full of hostas. This time, I am hoping that the galvanized metal keeps the snails away because the minions aren’t doing it.

Yesterday was the birthday of GG’s sister. Yep, I met her parents, her sister and her sister’s inlaws. Henry and George were also invited – and on their best behavior. I managed not to do or say anything super outrageous. The vegetarian thing created enough of a furor. 😉 It was at her sister’s house in Rotterdam and we sat outside enjoying the weather and having a last bbq of the summer.

Today, we are going to my cousin Sjoerd’s. His birthday was Friday and today he is having the family party so GG will be meeting my Dutch family. Then I think after that, we should be all done with relatives… unless the results of my DNA test turn up more 😉

Speaking of, I got my results back. The 93% of Northern European/UK didn’t suprise me. The 6% of central Asian and 1% Pacific Islander certainly did. So now my goal is to have my cousins take the same test and see if they have the same results. I think I will bring that up later this afternoon.

I am still on vacation, and all things considered, I should be relaxed and enjoying time off. However, it is not that way at all. I keep thinking I hear Moortje walking around the house, every time I hear a noise that is not being made by one of the others. As for the boys and Lientje, they are also slightly lost. Everyone seems to know we are incomplete.

Yesterday morning early, I carried Moortje wrapped in a towel to the vet. I had asked a few weeks ago what the process was in case it happened when we were on vacation. They had me lay him down in the second exam room and told me that the animal cremation service would call me after they had picked him to discuss my wishes. I spent all day yesterday waiting for them to call and when they finally did, it was pretty hard. At any rate, they didn’t know that I wanted him cremated alone and that I wanted his ashes. So, that means they have to make other arrangements and it would be delayed. In typical Dutch fashion, the woman on the other end of the line was very practical and ignoring the fact that I was in tears and upset. I guess in that line of work, it helps to be unemotional. She was more concerned with the fact that I hadn’t received the brochure of information, including payment info, at the vet.

She told me that after I paid, and to make sure I didn’t forget the invoice number, they would contact me with the schedule. They called again today and let me know that his ashes can be picked up Thursday. I will pick them up next week after I am back from Chicago.

They are coming to put in some sod tomorrow. My terrace is tiled now with an untiled border. During many discussions, GG and I figured out that we could dig up 20 of the tiles, replace the stone border and have them put sod in space all the way to the fence, effectively making half of the terrace a lawn. So, yesterday, we started the excavation project. It didn’t take us long to to realize that underneath all the tiles is an exceptionally well laid pad of concrete and there is no way that is coming up. Instead the terrace got a thorough scrubbing and everything is ready for them tomorrow. I hope they won’t be too disappointed that their job is now half the size.

During this clean up the terrace process, I learned that snails poop. And they poop alot. And leave it everywhere, very inconsiderate. It is not enough that they have managed to eat all of my ground plants, but they have also discovered some of the hanging baskets. I don’t put poison down because of the pets and because I don’t actually want to kill the snails, I just want them to eat out of someone else’s garden for a change. I think it might be worth investing in copper flower boxes. If someone hasn’t already invented those, they should!

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I didn’t make it to the third round of interviews. I am disappointed, of course. It means that I will keep exploring.

Tomorrow I also have a teeth cleaning. Not necessarily bad, just not pleasant. Somewhere between now and Thursday, I have to pack the next suitcase without the boys noticing…

Hello from the Hungarian countryside. It is nearly 8 pm and the sun has gone down. GG has gone off with her camera down the dirt road between the cornfields on safari. As for me, I decided this morning that I would spend this first day entirely on the property of this little guesthouse. The furthest I have gone today is to take the recycling to the shared bin. I felt like I needed to set this goal for myself so that I could look back in a week’s time and say “See, there was a day that you actually did nothing more than serve coffee to your hosts, read through your magazine stash and be outside”. You know, because I have these tendencies to treat vacation like a checklist of things to see.

It helps that the internet here is very sporadic. You need to stand precisely in a certain corner to connect and then if you are lucky the signal is strong enough to download the headers of email messages. This means I certainly won’t be uploading any pictures until I get back 😉

We’re the last guests here. The owners have sold it and are leaving next month after ten years. They have a grandson now and this location is too remote for their family to visit easily. I can understand that since it feels like you really are in the middle of nowhere. The loudest sounds are the crickets and frogs, with the exception of the nightly chorus of the dogs in the surrounding countryside. Last night I thought I heard a cow. It turns out I did. The house down the road has two cows and some goats.

The stars here are unbelievable. This is an advantage of there being so little artificial light. Everything is very ordered and manicured. Our host was telling us that Hungarians are very house proud and every extra cent that they earn goes back into some sort of home improvement project. The region that we are in is not flat at all, there are hills for miles and even in the distance it appears that there might be a small mountain.

The Hungarian language is in the same language family as Finnish and Estonian. These three languages compose their own group. I can tell you that I can’t find any similarities so far with English except for the word for supermarket. In Hungarian it is Szupermarket. If learning Dutch was difficult, I imagine Hungarian would be even harder.

They are little people too. Stocky and compact, men and women alike. I feel like a giant. GG is probably 4 inches taller than I am so you can imagine that sight of the two of us is probably shocking. We’ll find out when we do some exploring. It is so quiet out here, I can hear her footsteps coming up the dirt road. At least, I think that is her.

Hungary uses florins instead of euros. Yesterday, at the airport, I ordered an espresso and a San Pellegrino and it was 1500 florins. I paid with a 5000 florin bill, which I was concerned would be difficult to exchange – until I realized that the ATM had also given me bills of 20,000 florins. To put this into scale, my beverages cost the equivalent of 3.5 euros. We did our entire grocery shopping for less than 30 euros. I don’t think that this is a vacation that we will have to worry about paying off for months at a time.

I have the movie “The Three Musketeers”playing in the background. The one starring Keifer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen and Rebecca de Mornay. Movies are more fun sometimes if you only hear the sound. It is super hot today and I am close to having another brain resembles grilled cheese moment!

Why? Well, I made it through the first round interview and tomorrow is the second round, the technical. In addition to the technical side of it, I also need to have a short presentation prepared on the topic so they can see what my stage presence is like. Unfortunately, it is not going to be as fantastic as these women .  Unlike Yvonne and Helen, who we saw in their wonderful strangeness at De Parade this past weekend, I can only wish I could achieve this sort of diva fabulousness.

Marianne and I have a yearly tradition of going at least one night together to De Parade every year – we then usually go again with other people. Saturday was our night. The weather was sunny and great and we sat on an unused stage with a bottle of wine (or two) and GG. It remains one of my favorite experiences of summer in the Netherlands – it must because we go year after year 🙂

Vacation is fast approaching, hence the swimup bar reference. Of course, now I am waffling and coming up with all kinds of puritanical reasons about why I don’t really need to go. I’ll let those thoughts run riot in my head and not actually act on them. We leave on Saturday and I really need to get smarter and actually take some days off before I leave. Oh well, remind me of that for next year 😉

I also had the guilty pleasure of going to a TributeParty in a village outside of Nijmegen on Saturday. A tribute party is basically a concert performed by cover bands. It is a big phenomen here. Sunday’s cover bands were Dire Straits, Beach Boys and Bon Jovi. I will admit this here, the Bon Jovi cover band was excellent… I know, I know. I was transported back to the 8th grade and rocking out. That’s what happens when you spend a great deal of time with someone who is a musician (GG). It rained buckets but they had the good sense to have an enormous industrial tent and other than getting muddy feet, it was a pretty good evening. I did realize something – the village life is definitely not for me. I am a big city person and I don’t see myself moving out of Amsterdam to the countryside any time soon. 😉

Today I was in Apeldoorn for a customer meeting. Tomorrow, the big interview and several other meetings. Friday is the day where it all has to come together in terms of finishing everything up for work.

Henry is doing fine. It turns out his back toenails had grown really quickly and he needed a pedicure. He didn’t care much for that experience but he was quickly back to his old self. Both boys are sitting here looking up at me and waiting for their tortilla with the sad eyes that only they can get away with.

I am wrestling again tonight. This time between going to the gym and not doing so. I’ve got an interview tomorrow so the logical side of my brain says “You will need a good night’s sleep, so go to the gym and work out the anxiety”. The other side says “You’ve spent all day preparing for this interview, including making a slide – better switch your brain off and stay home and read while serving as a pet cushion”. Sometimes, the arguments really are that basic.

Then again, I am not really sure if this is a sign that my mental capacities are truly slowing down or if I need a vacation. Mine starts 27 August so that will be the litmus test. If, after 3 weeks, I don’t feel recharged, then I might start to worry. I was explaining to GG the other night that I feel like I am stuck in the middle of so many different choices and I really want there to be movement. This is kind of silly since movement is happening, only not fast enough for my liking.

Last Tuesday, I surprised GG with an evening in The Hague to see Henry Rollins at the outdoor theatre in the Zuiderpark. The weather was good. We had front row seats and it felt good to see him again. I have been going to see Rollins since I was 17 so I feel very much that we have grown up together in many ways. When I was much younger, reading his books made me feel like someone else knew what it was like to feel isolated and alienated. He gave me ways to describe how I thought about the world and opened my mind up to exploring further ideas. Now I feel like we are checking in with each other, both older, greyer and slightly more insightful about the experiences we have had. It’s a connection point, a conversation with each other. We don’t have to know each other but we understand each other.

Speaking of conversations, Dylan was here on Thursday evening and Friday on his way back from Central Europe to the US. Thursday night he shared his political views with me and pictures of his trip. I shared alot of gin with tonic. Friday night we met Sjoerd and sat on a terrace before going for cheese fondue. In contrast to Thursday’s wintry rains, Friday evening was sunny and we spent a couple of hours on a terrace at Nieuwmarkt people watching.

On Sunday, GG and I went with the meetup to go boating in the canals. It was a great way to see Amsterdam. Everyone brought snacks and drinks and we had two boats of ten. I took the helm on the last bit back and got to not only turn in the middle of the canal but also parallel park. It was pretty good. I reached deep into my memory of pushing back airplanes and how slowly and widely they turn.

Henry is not feeling so good. He stayed home from his outing with Kate today because he seems to be favoring his hind legs. He will be staying home tomorrow too. Dachshunds and their very long backs… I really try to keep a close watch on him. He’s eating though and isn’t yelping or anything. If it’s not better after a few days of rest, you know where we will be going… the vet.

I’ll let you know how the interview goes tomorrow … gulp…

I think that’s the best word for this entry. It started on the airplane, when I left my FitBit charger in the seatpocket. That’s on top of leaving for the airport without my laptop – fortunately GG was able to get it to me in time. When I was driving in the rental car to the hotel, I realized that in the past three years, I have lost everyone that was part of my family unit in Seattle. Two to death and one to heartbreak. I don’t know why it suddenly occurred to me as if it were some sort of revelation. Perhaps, like so many things since the 12th of June, I’ve simply been slower to process.

I drove across the mountains yesterday, to find Raven’s grave. I couldn’t sleep much so by 445AM, I had made plans with my former teammate (little C) to leave within the hour and go. I am really grateful that I didn’t have to make the trip alone. I had promised GG that if someone offered to go with me, I would accept that help. Driving up over the Snoqualmie Pass and down through Ellensburg and beyond to White Swan, I remembered other trips with my mom, Raven, Lawyerella and of course, Henry and George. The cemetary doesn’t have a proper address, which now makes sense. It is deep in the reservation, miles off the paved road and in the middle of a fields stretching in every direction.

I had a difficult time finding his grave and finally found the spot amidst two of his uncles, where the grave was newer than the others and the empty wreath stands were still standing. It was the only new grave and on the back of the small wooden cross, in faded marker it stated only the name Demmert. There’s no stone and the three graves surrounding his also have a similar cross, with the same scrap of ribbon and the name Demmert on them. The other three had faded out metal frames with barely legible index cards in them with the name and dates of the occupants.

Out in the middle of that open space, with all of the grasshoppers constantly fleeing in front of you, and the hot sun, I didn’t find any peace or closure. Only the profound sense that I would never go there again and this wasn’t his home either. When I stopped analyzing whether or not this was the grave, the tears began and they were many. I don’t feel any better for having seen the place and I don’t feel like any questions have been answered. I do know that he is gone.

That’s really what it comes down to, that in so many ways, those I have loved, are gone. I know that there are other people in my life that I love and are still here. But the family that I thought I had and would always have, is gone. That’s a difficult and unsettling feeling. I know that in the weeks to come, I will have to work through that loss and find my way through the grieving. I also know that I have reasons to be grateful and reasons to love and be loved.

When we got back, I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. That carried over into today and after 3/4 of the day, I skipped out of the sessions and went to see Jan and Keri and be surrounded by all of their fierceness. There’s something to said about being able to collapse against strong people and let a small amount of your feelings out. I know that I have struggled for a long time with letting people know what I am feeling, out of concern how it might impact them. Useful for staying self-contained, not so useful for mental health and authentic relationships with people. What I am saying, is that when you see me next, I might just be a little wobbly and it will be very unsettling to me. In turn, I will thankful that you simply allow me to be wobbly in your presence.

Dinner is cooking, the first load of laundry is in the wash and I am taking a moment to get my thoughts in order. Of those three things, maybe the thought rodeo is the most difficult.

It was really beautiful weather today. The dogs and I walked GG to the train station and then went home via the park. Of course, the beautiful weather attracts lots of picknickers which are a nearly overwhelming temptation for the dynamic duo to practice their sneak up and go for the food tactics. They did well today, there were no reports of picnic muggings.

I fly to Seattle on Friday and as it gets closer, I get more and more stuck in my head. I’ll drive over to Yakima on Saturday to Raven’s grave. I know it is going to be a really hard and terrible experience. But I need to do it, otherwise it won’t seem real. I need to do it before the beginning of NerdCamp – which starts Sunday, otherwise I will be really anxious the whole week. I’ve learned to face the things that I fear most right off so that I can put the anxiety behind me. It isn’t courage, it is a coping strategy.

Then there’s all the little things. Now when I go to pick up the mail, there will also be mail for him. Over the years, I have saved my voice mail messages. Luckily there were plenty in there from him and also one from my mom. Yesterday, I ordered them burned to a CD so I can have them in my hands or rather the cloud. And also now because I don’t need to keep my US phone number anymore. I’ve had the same number since I met Raven so he would never have to memorize another. He doesn’t need it anymore so I guess that means I can stop holidng on to it as well.

I was accepted for a volunteer project with Kenya through my work. In the beginning of August, I’ll be assigned as a mentor to help the as yet unknown people start their own business initiative. I’m glad I was accepted, I feel overwhelmingly that I need to be building things right, doing something with all of this emotion. The initial duration is through November and then it will be examined for continuation. The logical step after that would be an in-country project. I’d like to go back to Africa, to see more of it.

While I am in Seattle, GG is going to be in charge of the zoo. On one hand, I really appreciate that she is willing to take on the challenge and on the other hand, a tiny part of me worries if it will dent our relationship 😉 I don’t think it will but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t worry about things like that…

Oh, yes, it is officially relationship status now – she changed her FB status – which is apparently how you know. Of course, I am not on FB so I needed a more low tech way to have the communication shared with me – via WhatsApp 😉

Okay, I think it might be wise if I paid attention to what I was cooking…

I am realizing something about myself right now. Everything is taking me longer. I have a harder time focusing, my mind doesn’t run as wild as it normally does and physically, I am exhausted. Even though technically according to my Fitbit, I am sleeping more through the night, the sleep isn’t very good since it is full with strange dreams.

So I am trying to focus on very little, the basic priorities and what can I spend energy and emotion on. Just until I can get my super powers back. I don’t think I am detached but rather disengaging for a while. Like the normal things that would make me excited to do such as Women In Tech code camps, volunteer work, etc, I just don’t have the interest in them right now.

Truthfully, I don’t find it a hardship to simply be at home and in my little oasis. Sometimes just finding my way to the parking garage is too much stimulation. I think what might help a great deal is a proper vacation, far away and without much to do. However, that’s at the end of August so still a bit of a way to go.

I am keeping this short because I am tired today, I wanted to checkin and let you know that if it seems like it is taking a long time to get a reaction from me, this is why.