the album, of course. I am listening to it alot again. Lately I’ve been feeling pressure that the way I communicate is too different for some people to handle well. Not that I am sitting around dropping the F-bomb and insulting people but rather that in some ways I am too direct. Hahahaha, yes, you read that correctly. I am learning here that when it comes to matters not involving feelings or emotions, there’s one level of directness that is expected. The Dutch do that very well. However, when it comes to communicating directly about feelings or emotions, directness does not apply and is apparently a little discomforting. You guessed it, socially I am a walking liability 😉

This past weekend, I had quite a few conversations on this topic, with very interesting and mixed results. I also have a greater understanding of why many people who are not Dutch do not date the Dutch. Like any society, there are different cultural norms in play. And I run right over a few them 😉 Which then leads to the question, do I want to conform in order to have greater social success? Or do I want to continue to grow and take the risk that I will continue to have the same problems (or new ones)? I think you can guess which way I am heading…

Not to conforming. I did put some new social rules in place for myself. I am going to stop evaluating and analysing and just do. I think I was a little too caught up on creating and nurturing a connection instead of letting it appear or not by itself. I am very project oriented which spills over into my social life as well. I am leaving the project functions outside of my social life, I can continue to be that way everywhere else. Socially, I am going to plunge forward without all the pre-thinking.

Why? Because as I discovered at the meetup and then afterwards, it is much more fun and you enjoy it for exactly what it is, rather than worrying about how this stacks up against the project plan. It is a matter of saying Yes, to everything that is possible. It also is likely to make it easier for me to avoid the emotionally unavailable because I just went through my second experience with that since July. Since I seem to be doing something that attracts that or I ignore the signs of it, I need to change my outlook 😉

Currently, I am waiting on the vet to call back. The cats went today and it was traumatic for them. Moortje was so angry, I have never seen him like that. He was growling and hissing, kind of like Mikha used to do everytime she had to go to the vet. He’s lost 700g since July which is not very good news. I am waiting for the blood results for both of the cats. While logically I know he’s already old and continues to age, I am still hoping that he will be around a bit longer.

I am off to Madrid tomorrow and I was hoping for warmer weather. However, it is only in the low 50s and with rain. Bummer that I won’t get a sun break! Oh well, if you have to spend a lot time sitting in meetings, good weather doesn’t matter! I definitely plan to check out the Madrid nightlife 😉

Not to the usual boys that I refer to but to my brothers, Cedric and Dylan. Today they turn 40. And they share their birthday with Ronald Reagan and Bob Marley which in a way matches nicely with how different they are, even if they are identical twins.

Cedric and Dylan, I’d like to tell you that on 6 February 1976, my life changed dramatically. I went from being the Center of the Universe to Big Sister. In some ways, I think we are still traumatized by that shift in identity 😉 Suddenly, there were two little people who couldn’t play, could only cry and eat and poop and got ALL of the grown-ups attention. I remember Mom would hold one of you and Oma the other and then they would switch. You can rest assured that you never lacked for attention 🙂

As we grew up together, I remember always feeling like there was something special about my family. I had twin brothers. In the days before fertility drug enhancing multiple births, twins were still kind of an alien species. And I actually had a pair to call my own and boss around in my attempts at directing self written holiday plays.

We’ve always had a rocky relationship as siblings, no doubt pre-determinined by our strong personalities. And I am sort of sorry that I did try to sell you a few times. But come on, you did read my diary despite the lock on it!

As you have grown into the men you have become, I hope that you recognize the capable and warm people you are. And I hope as you join the sensible shoes generation that you realize how much is possible for you with your strengths and talents. While I might still like to make some of your choices for you (what can I say? Big Sister runs deep) I am grateful to be part of your lives and to see you as you are.

For this coming year, and for those thereafter, I hope you will continue to change  your corner of the world and live fully. I hope that you will find the partners that make you want to try better for tomorrow and know that they love and accept you as you are. I hope you will take Mom’s legacy and spirit into another generation. I hope you will always have enough cheese for your needs.

I love you both.

Well, except perhaps to my hope that I would be able to perform tremendous acrobatic feats on the trampoline! I have to say, it was a lot of fun! Like any good grownup, I made sure to try everything first much to the giggling of 7 year old girls. I am pretty certain they had never seen a grownup be so silly 😉 it also helps that they actually were correcting me on my grammar. Yep, that was humbling!

Anyway, the birthday party was lots of fun! Growing up with my brothers, our birthdays were mostly family events, which I understand why. Birthday parties were something that I knew other kids did pretty frequently. We were always the new kids in the neighborhood so we didn’t go to those parties on the same scale. I remember on my 16th birthday, I went to someone else’s Sweet 16th because it was on a Saturday and her parents had rented a restaurant and everything. I remember going shopping with my mom for the vintage cocktail dress. I think I probably still have it somewhere 😉

We were moving again that year and my birthday ended up not being noticed in the ruckus. About a week later, my parents figured it out. I remember thinking that I could add this to the list of things that made me such a tortured teenager 😉 but truthfully, it didn’t really matter. After all, my classmate had already really stolen my birthday!

I got home last night and went to work since I had taken the afternoon off. Alot of my coworkers are in Seattle this week so they were all wired up to go. I did resist the urge to fire up the Nespresso because that would have been a complete inversion of my workday! Anyway, at the very respectable hour of 11pm, we were in bed.

I woke up this morning with some interesting discomfort. I imagine that’s the trampolining. I will try yoga today to get the soreness out. My yoga class the other night was really good, even though it was in Dutch. She was really slow but deliberate. In other words, holding the poses so long you want to cry.

As for the weekend, there’s a birthday party to go to, a meetup and I feel like I am forgetting something…

and one to go. The boys went this morning. I couldn’t find their pet passports, which are in a box around here – somewhere. I have to see if I can find them before I go with the cats on Friday. Anyway, the boys did very well. Henry weighs in at 7.4 kilos and George at 7.2. This means they are roughly 16 pounds each. Which the vet was fine with, she even complimented Henry’s muscular physique – HA, just like Rollins 🙂 They were glad not to have to get more than two shots and an exam.

I am dreading taking the cats. From a practical perspective, there’s the wrestling to get them into the carrier. This is not made easier by the fact that they run when they see me coming because they think I am coming to give them medicine… which is usually correct.

I am listening to the old Alanis album Jagged Little Pill. I had forgotten how much I had liked this album and rocked out to it when it first came out. I remember driving across country from Washington DC to Seattle and blaring this in Astrid across the Dakotas 🙂

Tomorrow I am helping out at a birthday party for 7 year olds. We are going to a trampoline place – this was my idea. I am looking forward to flying across the space. You know, as a chaperone, I need to make sure it is safe for the kids 😉 It should be alot of fun. It is also my Oma’s birthday tomorrow, she would have been 105. And Oma had very definite ideas about the importance of Fun 🙂 Mom’s clown tendencies were definitely from her mother’s side.

Tonight I am going to a yoga class and I really hope it is in English. Dutch yoga is distracting for me because I really don’t know the names of all the body parts. Like the other day I was talking to a friend and she kept using the word verkering in reference to her and her now husband. I kept think verkering=uitkering (compensation from the government like unemployment/L&I etc) and I couldn’t figure out what the hell the Dutch government had to do with her marriage. Then I finally asked because I really lost the thread of the story and she told me that verkering = relationship not compensation! We had a good laugh.

I learned a big lesson yesterday about expressing myself. I (still) tend to assume that if you are my friend, you automatically know how awesome I think you are and how much I love you. I thought that I really needed to only work on expressing my feelings when it came to non-friendship situations. The sound you hear is the cluephone – I finally answered it 😉 So, in a blanket declaration, if I haven’t ever told you how awesome I think you are and how important you are to me and yes, even how much I love you, consider yourself told 🙂 And I will try to remember to do it more often.

I still have so much to learn about people and myself. 🙂 And the song that just started as I wrote that sentence is You Learn . Ironic 😉 oh, wait that’s another Alanis song…

I found a little banjo humour on the internet. I can really relate to the message… it is a drawing of an angry looking banjo with the phrase “the 5th string is for evil” as opposed to 4 string banjos 🙂 I think I might like to have that on a t-shirt! I shared it with Paul today during my lesson.

Speaking of evil, it has been a wild week. The wind is especially strong today which is suiting my mood. It feels like I am all over the place. Not in a bad way rather being tossed back and forth between circumstances, memories and choices. Perhaps this is also being influenced by a book I was finally able to get from the library, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying-up. I had gotten as a gift on Amazon but they wouldn’t let me have it because to them I am in the US and for whatever reason, ebooks are not worldwide *rolling my eyes*

So, last week, I ran the gamut from some leftover Seattle stuff, really shocking work moves from a former manager, really good conversation and direction from the new and to Henry Rollins at the Paradiso. Oh, yeah, and in between there somewhere, I managed to make some progress with TD – which took nearly all of my patience and meet some more new people. Looking at in paragraph form, it doesn’t seem so intense, more like it should be a normal thing. In regards to emotions, it definitely was not. I was doing alot of the Wonder Woman pose and putting lavender oil under my nose last week.

Curious about the Wonder Woman pose? If you haven’t seen it, I recommend you check it out. It works for me and not just because I crave the cool wristbands… Wonder Woman If you are expecting me for an intense conversation or meeting and you don’t see me right away, you can imagine what I am doing 🙂

George ate some nylon socks over the weekend because he just doesn’t get regular meals around here. That meant that yesterday he had the worst gut noises. We spent a good hour in the rain trying to find the right grass for him to eat and self medicate. Apparently it worked because this morning he was bouncing off the ceiling as usual to make sure I would get up and appreciate how terribly hungry he really is… Henry was of the opinion that he shouldn’t have to spend time in the rain just because his brother is weird enough to eat socks. I had to remind Henry that family sticks together, even in the weird moments. Ironically enough, they have a vet appointment in the morning for their checkup. I am taking the cats on Friday because all four at once was too much to handle.

We’ll see how this week plays out. Next week I am off to Madrid for a few days for a work meeting. I know, I have such a difficult life 🙂

It is time to be productive. Actually, I am taking a break to eat my breakfast (second to the last of the everything bagels that I brought back from the US in July) and thinking about how I want to focus the rest of my day.

Yesterday was busy! I had an incredible banjo lesson, played until I had deep grooves in my finger tips. Technically that means I am still not playing enough 😉 Real banjo players have callused fingertips apparently. Starting in two weeks, I will also go to Paul for written Dutch lessons. Not at the same time as my banjo lesson since that would be taking away my budding skills at just playing music via a flow.

No time to go home so with the banjo strapped to my back, it was off to the office. Then to the dentist and then to the grocery store and eventually, back home. The banjo case is not aerodynamic so on the bike, it isn’t a great help for acceleration.

Then to the gym and a late yoga class last night. Before you know, it is midnight. I could say it is due to the wheatgrass juice but I just realized I forgot again to drink it this morning before having anything else. Oh, well, I will try again tomorrow.

The True Colors party on Sunday night was fantastic! It is party celebrating all of the work that the various LGBTQ organizations are doing throughout the Netherlands. I went with a group from the meetup. Amidst the 2000 people there, the woman from earlier this month (hereafter known as The Date or TD) found me on the dance floor. We had a great time dancing and I met some of her coworkers. I was reminded again of how much I like her and being around her. 🙂

In last night’s paper, the headlines announced that Amsterdam is beginning immediately with lessons on LGBQT and women’s rights in the refugee centers within the city. I was so proud to read this. It is an affirmation that Amsterdam takes these rights seriously and people who are going to live here and be part of the social fabric need to understand this.

Thursday night, it is Henry Rollins doing spoken word at Paradiso. I haven’t seen him live in two years or so. I am looking forward to it. I had an extra ticket so I invited someone I met last week. We have similar music taste so she said yes! I would have been happy to see Henry on my own yet it will be nice to go with someone else.

You might say that I am as the Dutch say, goed bezig (good busy) 🙂

Even if you were not a member of Future Scientists of the Universe when you were growing up. I certainly was not.

I have spent alot of time trying various things to reduce the stress I collect, get rid of the stress I have and practice relaxing. I am very task oriented so I move from the mindset that if I create a sort of stress management plan with X amount of steps, surely I will be successful. Right, making a list of things to complete so you can learn to relax. I recognize the irony in this 😉

I have spent alot of time with Astrid this week. Groningen on Tuesday and Venlo on Thursday. As comfortable as Astrid is, sitting behind the wheel for 8 hours makes me stiff. Last night I went to the gym and gave the yoga class a try. On the way home, it was that cold, bonechilling rain and wind that somehow gets inside your skin. After feeding the pets first because I know my duties, I decided that I was actually going to use my bathtub for the first time for a person.

Previously, the bathtub has been used for Small Dog Olympic Swimming Team tryouts and practice. Never for people. I threw in my Rosemary and Mint detox bath salts from Curacao, turned on the Billie Holiday and turned off the guilty feeling about using so much water.

Okay, wow. I think I spent a good hour in the bath, enough to listen to one Billie album and half of an Andre Rieu. I was so relaxed, I had to test myself. I started thinking about each stressful thing in my life right now and waited for myself to get tense and clench all the muscles in my neck. Topic 1 didn’t cause that reaction, so on to topic 2 and so forth until I went through the entire library of stressful things and realized that the bath was keeping me from getting agitated.

I know right now some of you are saying “Duh”. Especially those of you who have long been bathtub fans. What can I say, it takes me a little longer to learn sometimes 😉 even more so through my natural Taurus stubbornness.

Also, my bathtub is sized for Dutch people. Meaning it is really long. I can’t say I will do it alot, that guilty feeling about using so much water comes into play. Although this is a country that has to do everything possible regarding water management to keep from flooding…

The boys are quietly snoozing since we have just come home from the park. I hear Moortje’s footsteps in the background so I imagine we will soon be seeing him. I am going to practice some banjo and think about the big party tomorrow night.

That’s the truth, Moortje is sitting in my lap. Of course, right when I decide to post, he comes over and walks up my leg with his nails out – which results in me wanting to scream in pain. Once he is up, he moves over to the desk and parks himself between the laptop and the tablet. Depending on his exact location, things start to go wonky on one device or the other. Since I am technically participating in a conference call, I decided to move him into my lap. Judging by the amount of purring that is going on and his head butting, which is causing some typos, he must be content with his current position.

I was in Groningen today. I left here at 7am and ended up watching the sun come up somewhere just over the border between Friesland and Groningen. It was 23F here and in Groningen it was 17F. At the giant rotonda where the A6 turns off to the A7, there is a stable. This morning, all the big horses had their jackets on. Running in front of them was a very small pony. The way he was running to the barn, you could almost hear him saying “Last one to the barn is a COW”. He had so much attitude. 🙂

I stopped at Marum on the way back and spent some time talking to Mom. It started snowing while I was there, which cut my visit a little short. I had alot of questions for Mom today and not the least of was how could I support someone who had just lost her own mother, on Saturday?

I realized that losing my mother at 39 is very different than losing your mother at 22. And my heart grieves for this young woman. We have talked quite a bit over the past few days and all I can do is be there for her. To think that a month ago, I was trying to answer her questions on dating and now it is over grief. I really don’t have any answers, even after three years.

As I mentioned, I was looking for advice today. I had a question that I had been wrestling with. More than one, but this is a pretty important one – again involving fear, vulnerability and stubbornness. I didn’t get a direct answer but I walked back through the church yard feeling like my Mom had given me a kick in the ass. By the time I got back into the car, I was convinced of it. I made my decision and I am glad I did. What Laura said a few days ago about my mom still teaching me was spot-on.

I had plans to go to Calle Ocho tonight, to have my mom near me in an environment that promises a Latin America focused kitchen and margaritas to match. It was my way to be closer to her. And I planned to do this on my own. And last night, came the kindest message my way, asking me how I wanted to celebrate my mom today. It was from Marianne. Now I will have company with which to toast my mom and someone who knew my mom. Some times that is the hardest thing, that out of all of the new people I have met, none of them ever had the chance to meet the force of nature that she was.

I’ll leave you with the request that if you haven’t already today, hug someone dear to you, HARD. And tell them that you love them.

P.S. – among the tears, the stories and the wisdom that comes from shared grief, the tequila was excellent and the food was very, very good. So, I have found another side of Mom in Amsterdam after all. It is the sort of place where she could have very easily danced to the music around the restaurant (tiny though it is) and people might very well have joined her.

the winter jacket. By that I mean my Columbia parka that I bought for the Yukon adventure that Mom and I went on. This morning, I had to take Astrid to the garage so she could pass her yearly inspection known as the APK. I could hear the rain coming down from my bedroom and it is also dark until 845AM right now. Oh yes, and it is cold. Still above freezing, which will change this weekend, but the real feel temperature is below freezing.

All told, powerful motivation for getting out the parka. Yet I feel like if I do that, I am really giving into the idea of winter 😉 I did dig out the boys winter coats, the ones with the fleece lining and the water proof exterior. Henry just looks at me like “Why bother with a jacket for me? I will just stay inside, thanks.” Who can blame them really? Especially since I feel the same way. I think this means that the new house finally is beginning to feel like home, since I don’t really want to leave it.

Turns out Astrid needs four new tires. Ugh. I can’t complain really since I can’t remember the last time she got new tires. I think it must have been sometime in 2011 or so. I guess she is overdue 🙂 And we have driven quite a bit since then. I think I am going to pick her up tomorrow, hoping that the weather might be better. She’s in good hands with the guys at 900 Classic in Haarlem. I think they find my literal translations of needs quite funny. I mean, I already struggle with Dutch. Automotive Dutch is a whole other language! Next week I have presentations in Groningen and Venlo. This means I will be going to the top of the Netherlands to the far east of it, border to border basically. Probably a good time for new tires…

I’ve been invited to a 50th birthday party on Saturday. However, since that is the day that marks 3 years without Mom, I am definitely not going to go. I won’t be able to channel enough Sparkle and Light energy to pull off a party with alot of strangers. Turning 50 is a major milestone here. I feel slightly guilty about not going but I know that I will not feel like having the conversations over and over again about “How did you come to the Netherlands?” While it is tempting to come up with a supremely outlandish story like I was hired to manage a troupe of rebellious circus acrobats and sword swallowers, I think it is probably wiser not to.

Okay, two more conference calls to go today.Benefit is that I don’t have to go back out in the chill 🙂