There’s no other phrase for how I feel today than “No good, very bad, think I will go eat worms.”

I think one of the things I don’t know how to wrestle with the most is the movement from the active missing to one that just kind of becomes a steady, in the background kind of missing. You get used to it, it becomes part of your life and your experiences, who you are. It’s like a skin tag. As long as you leave it alone, it’s there and it doesn’t hurt or itch or make itself otherwise known. But when you start scratching it, picking at it or what ever your form of getting rid of it is, it starts to make itself known again.

I am not comparing my Mom to a skintag. She was way too big to be contained in a skintag! But the missing is like one. And just like with skintags, I know that if I pick at it, the grief will come back again in a full wave. Strange how that works. I remember thinking that grief was a straight line, to be overcome by following a series of steps. I know, what the hell was I thinking?? 😉

So, here we are. Today’s weather is cold, windy and rainy. Also perfect for my bad  sad mood. I wish I could hear my Mom laugh right now or say something offcolor or call me a “tuthola” pronounced tuut whole a . Emphasis on the vowels! It’s a catchall word for a woman who is anything from a bookworm to a bitch and everywhere in between. It sort of depended on my Mom’s mood. 😉

I think that if I were to make a list of the things that I am most grateful to having learned from my Mom, here’s what they would be:

• don’t pay attention to what other people think is normal.
• know yourself and take joy from your quirks and what makes you different.
• don’t give up even when it all seems stacked against you.
• when you love, love fiercely without conditions.
• always use your strengths to help others.
• call out things that you see, don’t wait for someone else to do so.

I think it’s time to hug the pets and put on some Leonard Cohen.

I am not sure how this happened or where she learned this. Olive is a live scarf. As I am typing this, she is sitting tucked up under my neck, watching the screen. This seems to be her favorite place to be when it comes to people. She’s also purring continously which is an interesting complimentary note to George’s deep snoring.

Pickle is sitting right next to me, with his head on George’s shoulder. George is curled up, above his brother. Poor Henry, he never gets a break from being the pet pillow. Olive just sat up so maybe she will move to another location and I can type faster. Umm, no, she just put her head down.

I had forgotten what it was like to have kittens in the house. They manage to get everywhere they are not supposed to, repeatedly. They have graduated from having to sleep upstairs in the other bedroom to being allowed 24/7 on the first floor of our house. That would be due to the fact that the other morning I came downstairs into the kitchen and the breadbag was moving. A mouse shot out of it and ran behind the cupboards. I am not sure how much bread was consumed but looking at the slice that was interrupted, I’d say that it was quite a party.

We have an old house, nearly 160 years old. So far, I have not seen signs of any others but to be on the safe side, the kittens now get to roam as the Night’s Watch (hahahaha). When I lived in Amsterdam, you could hear rats and mice in the walls. For starters, walls between buildings are usually not solid here, they are filled with hay or straw as insulation and also to absorb water. New construction is more advanced but for anything from before the war, you can bet on straw.

You get used to the noises. The rats really scratch. The mice tend to make less noise. If I have to choose, I am a mice person. How is that for an introduction at your next social gathering? “Hi, I’m X. I’m a mouse person. And you, do you prefer rats or mice?”

I have had tapas for dinner for the last two nights. On Saturday, Marianne came to visit and we tried the little tapas bar around the corner. It was so good, I had to make a reservation again for yesterday with GG. Unfortunately, they are closing for the next six weeks or so due to the owner’s need for an operation. He’s also the chef and he doesn’t have a replacement. Tonight I was responsible and ate cauliflower and brown rice with tempeh. Not quite the same taste experience. 😉

Like many people, we are practicing KonMari thanks to Netflix. Yesterday, I went through my closet and I was really motivated to get rid of everything. I wanted to donate it all. Then I realized that if I did that, while it would be radical decluttering, it would also mean that I would have to wear one set of clothes for the forseeable future. Not that handy. I did have so many strange dreams last night about things in the past- coincidence or just tapas overload? They were the kind of dreams that even when you wake up, you go right back into them. I hate those!

Changing of the shift – now Henry, George and Pickle are all under the same blanket. It must be a nice life to be a pet around this place. 😉

I finished the first half of a big project this evening. I had choice stress from which format to do it in – I really wanted to use pen and paper. However, that wasn’t the right format for the potential customer. After doing the equivalent of writing something and then crumpling it up and throwing over my shoulder except digitally and in every Office product, I finally came up with something I liked. If things go well this year, I think I will invest in a digital whiteboard! For now, I will have to settle for something smaller!

I can definitely say that 2018 was certainly the year of learning for me. I think I learned something new in just about every corner of my life. I made a deliberate choice to learn certain things, like how to build machine learning models or how make chili pepper infused dates. Other things I learned because relying on someone else’s knowledge didn’t work out so well, like running payroll and navigating the complexities of the Dutch business codes.

The past year was also full of learning moments related to people. With so many transitions this year, there was more than enough educational moments in this area.

I am standing here, 9 days into the new year, looking at the finally sleeping pets and asking myself what I will do differently? I am still answering that question. I like to think of it as an elastic question, one that I can come back to and update.

One of the things I have decided to do is write more offline. Since starting my own little company, I have used far more paper and pen. It gives me room to think. It also connects the idea with the strategy and the action required very completely if it makes it all the way through to the To Do list. This also has been helped by the amazing amount of available notebooks I found when I was unpacking the office. 😉

I’ve decided to go to more movies. Netflix makes it too easy to stop going. With an independent filmhouse 150 meters from our front door, it doesn’t get any easier. This part of my initiative to get better at leading a full life and not feeling guilty if I am not spending every hour of the day on the company.

However, Netflix also brought us two evenings of “I love to tidy” inspiration/intimidation and GG and I were both inspired to get rid of even more stuff. We have discovered that we have different Marie Kondo timezones. I am much better in the early morning with sorting through my batch and she is much better in the evening. Yesterday morning, I started at 630. Of course, by around 2 PM I was ready for a nap!

As much as I hate to disturb the hardwon peace around here, I think I am going to wake up the boys and take them for a drag. It’s sunny today and in sharp contrast to the high winds of yesterday, two little dogs should be able to keep all four feet on the ground today. 🙂

It’s Saturday afternoon and we are just back from our walk. Just in time before it gets dark since the days are so short! Technically it is 34F but the Real Feel is 22F. However, regardless of temperature, the walks must go on. Otherwise we all go a little crazy from the hijinks of Pickle and Olive. As I am typing this, they are running through the living room, practicing their ability to fly without wings and to tackle each other midair.

For those of us who are more mature (read: all the non kitten residents) , escaping for a walk is sometimes the only way to get a little peace and quiet to think. It’s been two weeks since they arrived and so far, peace and quiet is the only thing to have been impacted. 😉

For the most part, they are super cute and affectionate. But they both have a mighty streak of bad seed running through their DNA 😉 Last night, I was reading, the dogs were quietly snoring, Olive was napping and Pickle was bored. He had been lying up against Henry (his portable Dachshund heater) and rolled over and proceeded to smack Henry with his nails from both paws right in the face. Henry yelped and jumped. Pickle didn’t move at all, he had a very satisfied smirk on his face. Henry got comforted and Pickle got a big NO with two taps on his paws.

Things are really busy, with the end of the year coming up. Suddenly, it is not just the end of the year as a person but also for the company. Which means hoping that I have gotten all of the right forms turned in and have been collecting the right information. I think the next person I look for will be administratively strong – if you know what I mean!

Other than the administrative, there are some challenges that come with a startup. I am working through them. For me, the most difficult thing is finding the balance between doing it myself and explaining what I am looking for to give someone else the room to succeed! Everyone requires a different level of direction and I am trying to find the method that works best for each person.

We won’t have a Christmas tree this year. The city was kind enough to put one for us that is directly visible from our house and out of reach of the kittens! Thursday night was the treelighting ceremony, which we eagerly bundled up in our sweaters, dogs included and went out to the square to watch.

I think that Thursday will be my last day of heading up to Amsterdam for the year. We will have a two week break for our students which means I am not needed there either. After spending 2.5 hours in the car on Monday morning to make the journey of 45 miles, I have decided only to go with the train now. I was against it because during rush hour, it’s expensive and costs more than a tank of gas if I go three days. However, after Monday, I realized that time was more important than money in this case 😉

Tomorrow we are going up to Amsterdam, but that’s for a special surprise. GG doesn’t know what we are doing yet, I only told her not to plan anything for tomorrow about three months ago (her calendar is legendarily difficult). It’s going to be a challenge and hopefully fun!

My brother, Pickle, tends to create the most ruckus. He’s a bit of a sourpuss, hence his name. He’s also the runt so he feels the need to call attention to himself, ALOT. Me? I’m a little more subtle. I prefer to let the masses come to me.

For example, I’ve already figured it out. The white and brown one, he’s great as a pillow. He doesn’t care if you climb all over him or hang on him. He just lets out a big chuff and what do you know, it’s a heated Cat Observation Post! The other one, that’s taller, he runs after me all the time. I keep telling him, “I am here for the free snacks, not to network”. Doesn’t stop him from trying through.

Oh, and as for those really big scary monsters, I have them totally under my spell. I didn’t even get in trouble for running around inside this cabinet that has alot of breakable stuff in it.

Stay tuned to see what my brother and I get up to next! 😉

One of the things to get used to here has been that calendars start the week on Monday instead of Sunday. For the most part, I have adjusted to that. However, I have to say that today feels like I have slipped back into the US model. I feel like I have spent most of the day trying to finish up last week and get a head start for this week. Except there are so many things that I need to do that I still feel like I am behind!

We arrived back home last Friday morning with a tasklist of things to get done. Not the least of was assembling some 500 vials this week for a give away and getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner.

Last year, I had my interns over for dinner, Thanksgiving style and we decided that this would be a yearly tradition. Luckily, none of the packs of pumpkin pie filling or spices spilled in the suitcase. Only two of my former interns were able to make it this year due to circumstances. However, it was a really good evening and so nice to see them again. I also had enough back up supplies because I ended up throwing away the first batch of stuffing. Who knew that stale bread (the primary ingredient) could actually be too stale for stuffing? 😉

Last night we braved IKEA to go and find some supplies for the booth this week. My little company is attending it’s first conference as sponsor and we are decorating on a shoe string budget. I am not sure how it is going to turn out – we build up the stand on Tuesday afternoon. If it’s terrible, well, it will be a learning experience!

I am creative when it comes to ideas. I am not creative when it comes to decorating or making things look cool. I know my limits. 😉 However, needs must and that doesn’t stop me from trying to put something together. I’ve just spent the past three hours trying to make a Women’s History quiz based on the categories of Trivial Pursuit. The easy part is going to be putting it into a digital form – the technical plumbing I can do.

I just need to make it through this week and have all the things go in order. And then next weekend, I can breathe a bit and tackle the next project. Don’t get me wrong, I am still loving not working for anyone else!

After a walk to Whole Paycheck to get a few things, like pumpkin pie filling to bring home for dinner next week, it’s time to do nothing more challenging than catch up on American tv. First observation from GG is that there are far more ads here about cancer treatments and your choice as a patient, whereas in the Netherlands, people would rely on their doctor to inform them and make the choice.

Today was good. We spent the day with my dad, heading over the National Museum of the American Indian first. From there, we went to the National Archives, to see the exhibit on the Vietnam War and then to a special panel discussion in the basement on the topic of veterans and what comes after serving. Definitely an intense day for us all. I think the toughest for my dad. At the same time, the conversations we had were good and I got to hear some great stories about him that I didn’t know.

I don’t see my father that often. Each time it takes me a bit of time to adjust how much it seems that he has aged since the last time. We also have a bit of the awkward conversational dance for the first thirty minutes or so each time. I found myself talking about things I had tried to teach Raven about restorative principles in his relation with the people and the world around him. Raven was often focused on everything as an absolute. I think I see some of that same anxiety in my father. Of course, I couldn’t help think about Raven, especially since the first thing that I looked at the in the museum was the Tlingit story of how Raven stole the Sun.

Can’t wait to fly home tomorrow as it is supposed to start snowing here. It’s going to be a long flight but at the end of it, there will be small powerful coffees, two small dogs and non-chlorinated water. 🙂

As I might have mentioned, on our flight to Chicago, the young man sitting directly across the aisle from GG had a very deep sounding cold and he proceeded to blow his nose mightily during the entire flight. From the sounds of his nose trumpet, it was very productive in terms of a high muccus yield. That’s understandable – it has to go somewhere in order for one to get well. What is not understandable is piling your used tissue collection under your seat for the germs to circulate merrily for the entire flight.

So, yeah, now I am making some similar noises. Not exactly how you want to spend your vacation and kind of a hassle to be honest. I have spent today holed up in my hotel room in DC, making ridiculous amounts of mint tea through the in room coffee maker and working. Part of my reluctance to go outside the room unless absolutely necessary is due to the fact that this cold comes with unpredictable sneezes which are also not dry ones if you know what I mean.

We’re just outside of DC right now. I was just looking up things to do for tomorrow since tonight we are having dinner with my dad. The plus side of having a cold like this is that I don’t have any left over energy to be stressed and nauseous about this evening. 😉

Despite the sneezing and the wheezing, this has been a good trip. We’ve had a good time, I think. Can’t really say that we did anything more than hang out together – although we did go hiking one day. The best part was just being around each other.

Tomorrow is our sightseeing day and then Thursday we leave to go home. I can’t wait to hug the boys. I hear they have been having a good time. They have also been office dogs during part of the time when my employees have been working downstairs. Hahaha, that sounds so strange to say – like I am a grown up or something!

The only sound until just now was the click of Charlie’s nails going back and forth as he roamed between rooms here in the cottage. It’s time for the annual sibling retreat and this time we are in Franklin, TN. After 9 hours of flying in an airplane seat with a buttnumbing intensity of 10, we arrived in Chicago to spend the night with Rupert and Meredith (in their new house) before heading down to the outskirts of Nashville yesterday.

We made pretty good time. I drove from Chicago down to Paducah, KY. At that point, after a pit stop at the Marathon truck stop, Rupert and I switched. What makes these roadtrips different than when we were kids is that we are now allowed to buy our own snacks and as many of them as we want. 😉

Cedric and Charlie showed up about 30 minutes after we got here and as fitting, pizza was ordered and Charlie got the benefit of the crusts. It’s good to know that we uphold family traditions.

We haven’t left the house yet for the day. Mostly because Rupert is still working and at the moment everyone else is sitting in the living room, quietly doing their own thing. You would almost think this was some sort of flexwork environment except none of us have hipster beards and the coffee comes in big mugs and has little caffeine!

Cedric and Charlie leave again tomorrow morning. We will be here through Sunday. The midterm elections happened yesterday without any bizarre incidents (except perhaps the results in some races). I think our biggest goal for the time here is to catch up, tell jokes, drink beer and boxed wine and just be family.